Just Call Me Mary Sue
by Andy Longwood
Summary: A pre-movie Lord of the Rings fan gets sent to Middle-earth . . . as a Mary Sue! Tina Carson continues on her undying quest to salvage the canon of LotR while not getting killed by the PPC, captured by Orcs, or snogged to death by the 'Sued characters.
1. Did Someone Get the Number of that Truck...

A/N: Yes, JCMMS is back too! You didn't think I'd let Tina stay banished forever, did you? ^_^ I hope you enjoy the Two Towers edition of Just Call Me Mary Sue. None of which I own, other than Tina herself. Please do not sue me. Just Call Me Mary Sue was originally inspired by "A Short", by Firebird. If you do not enjoy Just Call Me Mary Sue, you will certainly not enjoy "Suedom", a story of two unwilling 'Sues on an epic quest to save Middle-earth from the threat of Mary Sues, by Andy and Saphie, of which I am the Andy half.  
  
  
Chapter 1: Did Someone Get the Number of that Truck?  
  
"Damn."  
  
Tina Carson pushed back her computer chair and shoved the keyboard into her desk. Another day, another Mary Sue. It was enough to make a pre-movie fan scream. Tina switched her computer off and made her way to the kitchen for some sustenance. However, the kitchen was sporting a disappointing lack of corn dogs, frozen pizza, and microwaveable macaroni and cheese. There wasn't even any bread left. Tina sighed and grabbed the grocery list. Mom was on vacation in Fort Lauderdale, Dad was on a business trip in New Orleans, and neither of Tina's siblings would do anything as responsible as grocery shopping. If any of them were going to eat that night, someone would have to make a trip to the store. Despite her lack of wheels, Tina supposed that someone was her.  
  
Tina grabbed her coat, stuffed the list into her pocket, and started out on her way to the grocery store. The wind whipped through her short dark brown hair and down her collar. She shivered.   
  
'Not having a proper drivers license righteously sucks.' she thought, pulling her coat tighter around her lean frame. It was winter, and a dull gray day, the kind that should have been spent reading a good book with a cup of tea or hot chocolate. Or coffee. Tina licked her lips. Mm, coffee. . . the elixir of life. A night-owl writer's best friend. Edible black gold. Sweet, sweet caffeine. She had to add that to the list, she thought, as the "Don't Walk" sign across the street changed and she stepped out onto the road. A discarded newspaper flew thought the air and landed on Tina's left side. She grabbed the paper and was about to flip it into a trash can when a headline caught her eye. She held the paper at arms length to skim through it as she continued across the street, though slower than before.  
  
"Mm, recipe for coffee cake . . .," she remarked as the rest of the pedestrians power-walked across the road and left her behind as the sign changed to "Don't Walk". Tina turned a page of the newspaper, but nothing else looked interesting, so she tossed the paper aside. And looked up into a set of headlights.   
  
Coming at her way too fast.   
  
Tina shrieked and tried to jump aside, but everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. The truck veered to the right with it's horn blaring (though it was a little late for that, Tina thought, or would have thought, had she not been terrified out of her mind), but it clipped her and sent her flying through the air and down the street, where she landed with a thud and lost consciousness. The last thing she heard was the sound of the horn, still blaring, and the combination of squealing breaks and tires as darkness flooded her mind and she landed on the hard asphalt.  
  
  
Something was jutting into Tina's back, right in her spine. Rock? Couldn't be. . . why would she be sleeping outside, on a rock? Tina never slept outside. There weren't any rocks in her bedroom. And someone was prodding her. Probably her brother, Bill. She moaned and swiped at the hand prodding her.  
  
"She's waking up!" a voice that was definitely not her brothers said.  
  
"Thank the Valar," another, a deeper unmistakably male voice added.  
  
"What would so beautiful a maiden be doing in this area?" another wondered. Tina frowned. Who said "maiden" anymore, anyway? What were so many people doing in her bedroom? Oh wait, this couldn't be her bedroom. There was a rock in her back. Right. Tina opened her eyes.  
  
Five people were surrounding her, and all of them were male. Tina would have screamed, but they all looked very familiar, and Tina was aching all over. What had happened? Oh, right. . . hit by a truck. At least she was still alive. Tina sat up, but the largest member of the group, a tall, ruggedly good looking male placed a hand on her shoulder and tried to force her back down.  
  
"Fair maiden, pray rest some more. I do not think you have yet recovered from your fall from the sky." he said. Tina glared at him and slapped his hand away. Who did this guy think he was? Familiar or no, Tina didn't want some stranger touching her, especially not after getting hit by a truck. Her day wasn't exactly going well. Fall from the sky? What was this guy talking about? And WHY was he talking so weird? No one with any sense called Tina "fair maiden". Mainly because she wasn't one.  
  
"Get off me, I'm fine. Did anyone get the number of that truck?" Tina said, sitting up and pushing the man's hand away when he again tried to force her down. She was greeted by blank looks from the rest of the small group. WHY did they all look so familiar? Suddenly it hit Tina like a ton of bricks. DUH.  
  
"H-hey! You know, you remind me a lot of Aragorn!" Tina said, pointing at the tall man. She turned to the four smaller people and pointed at them as she rattled off the names she could list in her sleep. "And . . .and Sam and Pippin, and Merry . . . and . . . Frodo . . ." Tina slowed down as she came to her favorite hobbit. He was just as adorable as Elijah Wood had portrayed him in the movie. That same dark, curly hair and gorgeous eyes. . . pretty eyes. . . the ones she could stare into for days at a time. . . Tina suddenly realized she was drooling. "You know, like from the movie." she finished. The five stared at her, slack-jawed.  
  
"You. . . you know our names?" the Sam-impersonator finally said.  
  
"Cut the act already." Tina said, rolling her eyes with exasperation. She was getting a bit impatient, and she felt dazed. As a result, she was even snappier than usual. "Look, it's great to meet fellow fans, but I was just hit by a truck and I'd kind of like to know what's going on."  
  
"Truck?" the Aragorn-impersonator asked. It looked as if he was earnestly confused. "I know not of any 'truck'. What manner of beast is this 'truck'?"  
  
Tina cocked her eyebrow. The dazed feeling was fading and she was starting to feel more awake.  
  
"Dude. You can drop the Aragorn act now, you're scaring me. Besides, you're not doing it very well." she said, backing up. The Frodo-impersonator stepped forward.  
  
"Fair maid, it was not our intent to frighten you. We only wish to find if you are unharmed by your descent from the sky, and to thank you for your assistance in frightening away the Nazgûl who were attacking us." he said, and Tina had to remind herself that this wasn't the real Frodo, no matter how small his stature, or how convincing his prosthetic feet, or how beautiful his eyes . . . Tina shut her mouth, which had again dropped open. 'Not the real Frodo,' she reminded herself. 'Not the real Frodo.' Suddenly she registered his odd, un-Frodo-like speech and glared at him.  
  
"You know, you may look like Frodo, but you don't know the least thing about how he talks. And furthermore, I don't see any Nazgûl, and if there were any it would be EXTREMELY unlikely, not to mention non-canonical, if I scared them off, and you are freaking me out, and I probably need medical attention, why am I sitting around talking to you? Someone get me to a hospital, I was just hit by a truck, for Elbereth's sake!" Tina said, ending in a yell. She turned around, away from the Frodo-impersonator and his beautiful eyes.  
  
"Hello? HELLO! Can someone lend me a cell phone so I can . . .call an ambulance . . .or something . . ." Tina's voice trailed off as she got a look at her surroundings. She was standing on top of a vastly tall rock in the middle of a scrubby plain. The sky was dark, and far away she spotted nine dark shapes, riding away on black horses. Tina stared around with wide eyes.  
  
"Weathertop. . ." she murmured. "But why are the Nazgûl riding away? Frodo hasn't been stabbed."  
  
Tina spun around and walked up to the hobbits and the man, who were all staring at her as if either stupid, or under some sort of enchantment. Pushing aside all thoughts of etiquette (but still picking the person who she thought would be the least likely to get mad), Tina reached out and tugged on the Pippin-impersonator's pointed ear. It held, but Pippin kept staring at her. Tina's hand dropped.  
  
"Gilthoniel a Elbereth . . . I'm in Middle Earth . . ." she moaned. She turned back to look at the hobbits and man. They were all staring at her with an expression of rapture and worship. Something was wrong with this picture. Frodo and Aragorn's . . . un Frodo and Aragorn-ish way of speaking, all five of their odd reactions to her sudden appearance, the Nazgûl running away . . . Tina blinked. Frodo was stepping towards her. Tina's heart fluttered. She was here, in Middle-Earth, less than five feet away from the adorable hobbit she idolized even before the movie, with his beautiful eyes . . .  
  
Wait . . .  
  
There was something wrong with Frodo's eyes as well. They were lovely, yes, but they were clouded, dulled over. Frodo looked like he was sleepwalking. Tina jumped back, leaning against the wall of Weathertop.  
  
"Y-you're not Frodo . . . and, and you're not Sam . . .and Pippin, and Merry, and Aragorn . . ." she said, her hands shaking as she pointed at them. A gust of wind blew at her back and blew something like long tendrils into her face. Tina reached to brush them away and seized a handful of . . .hair. Long, wavy, golden hair, very different from her short almost-black hair. Tina looked down at her clothes, half expecting to see her tan trench coat, half not at all knowing what to expect. The sight of a thick emerald cloak tied about her neck with a gold cord that was actually pretty cool looking greeted her. She pulled back the cloak to reveal a pearly white dress unlike anything she owned (or, for that matter, ever would have worn) and a body that most certainly had never belonged to her (and probably not to anyone in her family either).   
  
'Yeesh, who gave me implants?' Tina wondered, raising an eyebrow at her new figure, which she seriously doubted could have naturally developed from her skinny frame. Her eyes opened wide. This was NOT good. She glanced around to find something - anything - to waylay (or support) her suspicions. A sword glittered on the ground next to her, and she pounced on it. Lifting the sword with shaking hands, Tina looked into the blade and was greeted with translucent skin, an elegantly pointed face, a delicately pointed nose, a rosebud mouth, thin winging eyebrows, and beautiful emerald green eyes that sparkled with some unnatural light. Tina's face pulled back in an expression of terror, and she reached up with shaking hands to pull aside her hair. Her ears were pointed. Tina dropped the sword, and it clattered to the ground, her beautiful new face a mask of horror.  
  
"Oh my God! I'M A MARY-SUE!" She screamed, and fell to the ground in a swoon in proper Mary-Sue fashion. 


	2. Mental Instability and Monty Python

Disclaimer: I own Tina. Nothing more.  
  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Mental Instability and Monty Python References  
  
This time when Tina awoke, there were no rocks jutting into her back. Instead, she was warm and comfortable. Her heart leapt - maybe she was in a hospital bed somewhere, and the doctors were monitoring her brain waves, and when she woke up this horrible dream of being a Mary Sue in a Mary Sue influenced Middle Earth would be nothing more than a memory. Not that it wasn't her dream to come to Middle Earth - it was, just not as a Mary Sue, with non-canonical instances and characters. Tina was reluctant to open her eyes. She raised her left eyelid a sliver, hoping to see medical equipment and bare walls. Instead she saw large windows and majestic furniture.  
  
Rivendell.  
  
This might have cheered Tina up a bit (at least it was slightly canonical, and she had always wanted to see Rivendell . . .), if the room were not so stuffy and overbearing and unlike the Rivendell she knew of. She might not have known where she was, were it not for the large windows and the view.  
  
-When she awoke, she was greeted with the sight of the grandure of Rivendell. "How did I get here?" she thought, as she rose from the majestick canopy bed and floated to the window . . .-  
  
Tina shrieked and fell out of the bed. There were voices inside her head! Not only that, but she got the distinct impression that at least one of the words was misspelled. Someone was writing this. Someone who seemed to have a very vague idea of what Middle Earth was like. And Tina was his/her self-inserted character.   
  
She didn't like it one bit.  
  
"W-who are you? How did I get here? That truck? How dare you do this to Middle Earth?" she screamed, in the hopes of being heard. "How dare you pull me into your pitiful little version of Tolkien's masterpiece? And by the way, getting me to Middle Earth by getting hit by a TRUCK? That is SO cliché! Can't you be more creative than that? HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME A MARY SUE?"  
  
The author didn't seem to notice Tina's outburst, as all that happened was that someone knocked on the door. Tina groaned. Did she even dare to answer?  
  
The door opened on it's own, and a tall elf woman with glazed eyes entered.  
  
'Elvish servant.' Tina thought. 'Where did these Mary Sue writers even get the idea that Elrond has servants?'  
  
"My lady," the elf said, bowing reverently. Tina was getting very tired of this. She hated formalities, even when she wasn't a Mary Sue. Why couldn't people just say what they needed to say and be done with it? She sighed impatiently as the elf stood up.  
  
"The Lord Elrond requests your presence at his council."  
  
'Council? Oh God no, not the Council of Elrond, anything but that!' Tina thought, panicking. She could already guess what was going to happen at the council, but the elf was rooting through a closet full of magnificent dresses, and chattering non-stop.  
  
". . .lovely dresses, which do you want to wear?" the elf finished, turning to Tina, who just blinked. She'd been too busy panicking to catch most of the sentence. The elf was staring at her expectantly and holding a long blue dress with an extremely small waist and low neckline.  
  
"Uh. . . you pick." Tina said, and the elf smiled brightly before turning back to root through the clothes, still talking non-stop about the glory of Rivendell and the strange visitors they had been having lately. Tina sank down on the bed. Maybe if she faked a good stomach flu she could get out of going to the council. No . . . elves didn't get sick, and Tina was pretty sure that's what she was. That wouldn't work. But she needed to figure out some excuse not to go to the Council. Someone else may have been writing this story, but they didn't have control over her. Still, even if she did manage to get out of going to the council today, the author would undoubtedly find some way to get her in the Fellowship. Tina sighed. She might as well get this over with. Where were the Protectors of the Plot Continuum when you needed them?  
  
'. . . and the Lady Celebrían wore this!" the elf said, holding up a dress. Tina glanced up at it and did a double take. It was pink. PINK. Tina positively despised pink. And since when did elves wear pink anyway? Plus it was strewn with ruffles in places ruffles had no business being. Tina knew virtually nothing about fashion, in Middle Earth or otherwise, but she was pretty sure no self-respecting elf (much less Celebrían herself) would wear something like that. Tina rubbed her temples and muttered her thanks. The elf smiled and floated out of the room to inform Elrond that Tina would be out soon. Tina looked at the dress with distaste and struggled reluctantly into it. The elf had picked out matching shoes for the dress and Tina struggled to pull them on. For a Mary Sue, her feet were unusually large. She had also noticed that unless the servant was unusually tall for an elf, Tina was a bit small for a Mary Sue.  
  
'Apparently, I'm not fully an elf.' Tina thought, wriggling uncomfortably in the tight dress.  
  
-The quarter elf, quarter hobbit, quarter human, and quarter mermaid slipped into the dress with ease and . . .- the voice in Tina's head said again.  
  
'What the . . .? Oh great, another writer who is big on diversity.' Tina thought. "You're an idiot, you know that? Or have you just not decided which male character you're going to pair me up with yet? And by the way, mermaids don't even exist in Middle Earth, or did that slip your tiny little UNCREATIVE mind?!" she shouted. She was greeted by silence.  
  
There was a knock on the door and Tina pulled it open. It was the Elvish servant again - and this time she had something more foul than the pink dress in her hands.  
  
"Oh. No. I am NOT wearing make-up! Since when do elves have make-up anyway? Tolkien NEVER said anything about MAKE-UP!" Tina screamed, losing her temper at the sight of the cosmetics in the elf's arms. The dress had been bad enough, but she had to draw the line here. The Elvish lady blinked and set her bottles and brushes on a nearby vanity.  
  
"Well, I suppose with natural beauty like yours make-up is unnecessary. Still, you would look so lovely with some eye shadow to accent your . . ." she said.  
  
"NO. No eye shadow, no blush, no accenting my 'natural beauty.' ALL elves have natural beauty" Tina snapped. "I refuse."  
  
"As you wish, my lady, but even most elves are nowhere near as gorgeous as you are . . . I suppose you mean all elves are naturally beautiful on the inside? Your belief in inner beauty is so inspiring . . . I wish I were as optimistic as you." the elf said. Tina gagged. "Elrond and his company await you. The Halfling Frodo is especially concerned for your well-being." the elf continued, and winked at Tina. "He is quite adorable, isn't he?"  
  
Tina gritted her teeth.  
  
'Not the real Frodo, not the real Frodo . . .' she chanted mentally to stop herself from strangling the elf and screaming that Frodo was far more than just adorable when he wasn't under the influence of a 'Sue writer, and strode out the door.  
  
Handsome male elves seemed to occupy every corner of this version of Rivendell, and despite her worries over being stuck as a Mary Sue, Tina appreciated the gratuitous eye-candy. For the first few seconds. However, she did mind the way they stared at her with their mouths hanging open in shock at her blatant Mary Sue beauty. Tina hunched over slightly, using her new long hair to hide her face. Sure she wouldn't have minded being a bit nicer looking, or having a slightly larger chest back home (who wouldn't?), but this was just annoying - every male within a five mile radius struck dumb and unable to do anything but stare at her like she was a piece of meat. Plus, she was beginning to feel like she had basketballs on her chest. And the hair, though useful for hiding her face, wasn't helping. It was so thick she had trouble keeping it from falling in her face. She made a mental note to sheer it off next time she got hold of a sword.  
  
Somehow (no doubt due to newly acquired Mary Sue induced abilities), Tina managed to find her way to the council of Elrond, where all the hobbits, including Bilbo, and Aragorn were already waiting. Tina didn't even bother to wonder where Gandalf was. Who knew how this Author's mind worked?  
  
Frodo instantly jumped out of his seat and bowed before her. Tina continued chanting her mantra inside her head. This wasn't the Frodo she admired so much, this was merely a Mary Sue influenced version of him based on his adorable appearance in the movie. Of course, Tina couldn't dispute that he was adorable, and supremely awesome to boot. She almost had to stop herself from giggling when he kissed her hand. She gritted her teeth and repeated her mantra.  
  
"My Lady," he said. "My heart sings with joy at knowing you have woken. When you fainted upon Weathertop, my companions and I were wrought with worry, so we brought you to Rivendell in the hope that Elrond could revive you."  
  
There he went with the un-Frodo-ish speech. Stupid author.  
  
"You already know my name," the hobbit continued. "But would you tell me yours?"  
  
-"My name, sweet hobbit, is Alinagawathawen . . . "- the voice in Tina's head said. Tina snorted. Alinagawathawen? What kind of a name was that? It wasn't even Sindarin, or Quenya, or any other recognizable Middle Earth language, as far as she could tell. Her silence lasted longer than she thought it would have, and Frodo tried to prompt her into speaking.  
  
"You cried out 'Mary Sue' at Weathertop. Is that your name?" he asked, and for a moment his eyes began to uncloud and he began to speak with less reverence in his voice. Tina blinked. Yes, this was the key! The author wasn't expecting her to hesitate! If she could divert from the lines the author had picked for her well enough, perhaps she could break this spell set over the characters, or at least temporarily remove it.   
  
"Yeah. You know what? Just call me that. Just call me Mary Sue. Because that's what this is! A Mary Sue! You hear me? Ma-a-a-ary-Sue!" Tina shouted, hoping that by some cosmic chance the Author would actually hear her.  
  
"Mary Sue . . ." Frodo sighed, and Tina was disappointed to see that his eyes were clouded again.  
  
"A beautiful and unusual name for a beautiful and unusual lady," a voice behind Tina said. Tina turned her head to see who it was. There stood Elrond, looking a great deal less reverent than the rest of the male members of the story. Tina was grateful. At least the Author let one person partially keep his head around her. She could have done without that whole "beautiful name, beautiful lady" line though. Tina would have smiled at Elrond, but knowing the Author, that probably would have brought him to his knees. Instead she nodded politely and sat down across from Frodo to wait for the rest of the council to show up, which took very little time, seeing that this was a Mary Sue fanfic.  
  
The council started, and Tina did her best to take note of how the Author was altering the characters. Gimli she pegged right away as (in this fanfic, anyway) a general pain in the butt, which was really too bad, because Gimli was one of her favorite characters. It was a shame Mary Sues never seemed to get along with the dwarves. Boromir was acting like an overgrown three-year-old. So he succumbed to the Ring. . . that didn't make him so bad, did it? 'Sue writers didn't usually seem to think about the fact that he actually died trying to save Merry and Pippin afterwards. Legolas simply drooled every time he looked at Tina. Tina made a mental note to keep away from him (he was quite nice to look at, but she certainly didn't need to encourage his character alteration).  
  
As the council picked up and the fight broke out between the rest of the characters, Tina sat back confidently. She didn't think she'd done bad so far - she hadn't said anything at all, and none of the canonical characters had paused to drool over her (much). She glanced over at Frodo, to make sure he was still sitting down like he was supposed to. Frodo looked up at her and his clouded eyes locked with hers. Tina quickly tore hers away to look at the fight that was breaking out. Gimli had drawn his axe and was wrestling with Aragorn, looking as though he was about to kill (or seriously maim) any elf who came within swinging distance. Tina raised her eyebrow - she wasn't sure the fight was supposed to get this violent - when Frodo's small voice cried out through the noise. Tina sighed with relief as Merry and Pippin jumped out of hiding to join the rapidly forming Fellowship. It looked as though she wouldn't be picked at all. There went the Author's plans. Maybe s/he/it would let her go home to where she could read her canonically correct copies of the Lord of the Rings.  
  
But Tina underestimated the Author. As Elrond sealed the very symbolism of nine members of the Fellowship, Frodo walked in front of Tina and lifted her delicate Mary Sue white hand in his own small one.  
  
"In truth, it was the Lady Mary Sue who inspired me to take the Ring." he said.  
  
"WHAT?!" Tina screamed, jumping up. She hadn't done anything!  
  
"When you looked at me and at the rest of the council, I knew that I must take the Ring to Mount Doom. Your eyes spoke to me," (here Tina had to fight to keep herself from retching) "And I was filled with a courage I did not know I possessed. Lady Mary Sue, though this journey is perilous, would you join myself and my Fellowship on our quest to Mount Doom?" Frodo continued.  
  
"It is true, the Fellowship would benefit from having the assistance of Mary Sue the Lady of Light's power to assist them." Elrond spoke up.  
  
'Oh great. Now I have "power". And a title. And Elrond is being repetitive.' Tina thought.  
  
"No, I will not come! There is no symbolism to having ten members in the Fellowship of the Ring! NINE shall be the number of the Fellowship, and the number of the Fellowship shall be nine, no more, and no less! Ten shalt not be the number of the Fellowship, nor shall it be 8, excepting that the number then proceedeth to 9! THERE ARE 9 MEMBERS OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING!" Tina screamed. This generated many strange (but still reverent) looks from the rest of the council, and Tina plunked down into her seat. Well, at least THAT was settled.  
  
"Lady, 'tis a frightening task all the Fellowship must undertake." Elrond finally said. "If you feel this task is too great for you, then with all haste, say so!"  
  
Tina blinked.  
  
"I just said I don't want to go! Did the Author turn you deaf?!" she shouted.  
  
"The Fellowship would greatly benefit from your presence," Gandalf said. Tina glowered at all of them. It wasn't their fault - they were simply the tools of the Author's whims now - but this was getting irritating. The Author was twisting everything up.  
  
"I. Won't. Go." Tina stated in a final sort of way.  
  
"But I must insist." Elrond said, and apparently the Author thought that was good enough to get Tina into the Fellowship. "Then it is settled. Nine companions shall go with Frodo on his quest to destroy the One Ring - Gandalf the Gray, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Boromir son of Denethor, Legolas of Mirkwood," ('Oh great, the Author doesn't even know the name of Legolas' father.' Tina thought) "Gimli son of Gloin, Peregrin Took, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Samwise Gamgee, and the Lady of Light, Mary Sue Moonstar."  
  
Tina screamed at the sheer inconsistency of Elrond's speech. 


	3. She's a Lumberjack, and She's Not Okay!

A/N: I'm a lumberjack, and I own nothing pertaining to Lord of the Rings. Actually, neither am I a lumberjack. And I don't own anything Monty Python either.  
  
  
Chapter 3  
  
She's a Lumberjack, and she's not okay!  
  
  
Despite the fact that the Council of Elrond had taken place earlier that day, there was a feast that night at Rivendell. The Author obviously knew very little of the timeline of the Fellowship of the Rings, and Tina would have been pissed off had she not taken advantage of the non-canonical feast and stuffed herself silly on all the great Elvish food Elrond had to offer. Despite being small and skinny, Tina had a voracious appetite that astounded everyone who ever observed her eating. It astounded the residents of Rivendell as well. Tina didn't care - she'd eaten too well to worry about it.  
  
"Wow! This is good! Are you going to eat that? What is that? Is it coffee-flavored? Who cares, I'll finish it! Pass that down here, will you?" she shouted down the table as the elves stared with wide eyes at her stack of dishes. And to think she was comparatively slowing down. Tina licked her messy fingers appreciatively and sat back.  
  
'Let's see the stupid Author cover up that appetite.' she thought, purposefully making her already bad table manners worse. As she crunched noisily through a last apple, Elrond tried to break the uncomfortable silence, which was broken only by Tina's loud mastication.  
  
"A song!" he cried out suddenly. "Yes, we need a song."  
  
"Weak." Tina muttered to herself.  
  
"Lady Mary-Sue, do you sing?" Asked Aragorn, who was sitting next to Tina. Tina raised her eyebrow as she stared at him. She didn't like where this was going. She snatched a leftover piece of cheese off his plate and swallowed it.  
  
"NO." she said flatly, giving him a rather good view of her chewed up dairy product.  
  
"Any song borne on your melodious voice must be a gift from the Valar," Legolas said, staring transfixedly at Tina. Tina sighed.  
  
"You want a song? I'll give you a song." she said, and stood up. She cleared her throat and instantly all the males of any species in Rivendell looked up with rapt attention. Tina opened her mouth and began to sing.  
  
"I'm a lumberjack, and I'm O-KAY! I sleep all night and I work all day!"  
  
Tina didn't expect much by the end of the song. But when she finished, she was greeted with thundering applause and cries of "more! more!" and, oddly enough, "encore!"  
  
"What is WRONG with you people?!" Tina cried.  
  
"Your heartfelt song has brought them to tears! Look!" Gandalf exclaimed, pointing to Boromir and Aragorn, who were leaning on each other and bawling like babies.  
  
"You're beautiful voice weaves a web of enchantment around all who hear it," Legolas complimented her. Tina got a strange impression he was using "you're" the wrong way.  
  
"Would that you could sing for us every night!" Elrond sighed, clapping enthusiastically.  
Tina sank down in her chair and groaned.  
  
----  
  
The next day the Fellowship set out at dawn. Not only was this out of canon, Tina was a night owl. She barely managed to get fourths at breakfast, which made her grouchy from the start, and naturally her mood was only made worse by the wildly out of character Fellowship and the ridiculous way everyone was fawning over her. She'd been relieved to find that the elves had packed for her, but disappointed when she saw that all they'd put in were dresses. Dresses that were "Comfortable and functional, but all very beautiful", as the Author put it, but they were dresses nonetheless. Tina made a mental note to steal some leggings from Legolas at some point during the story. Tina grinned; wearing Legolas' pants was a rather nice mental image. Truthfully she would have rather worn Frodo's, but hobbit-sized clothes wouldn't fit this stupid Mary-Sue body of hers.  
  
But Tina's mood REALLY got bad when she tried to cut her hair.  
  
The elves had insisted on giving her a sword, bow, and quiver of arrows, despite her protests that she didn't know how to use any of them. No doubt the Author had given her fantastic Mary-Sue aim and swordsmanship that only came after years of handling a weapon. Still, skills with weapons were pretty much necessary in Middle Earth, and Tina didn't doubt that eventually she'd be glad she had them.  
  
Tina had been trying to find the bathroom (or outhouse or whatever facilities elves used in this twisted version of Middle-Earth) when the elves delivered her weapons to her room. When she finally returned she spotted the sword and pounced gleefully on it. Finally she could get rid of this annoying mane of hair. She seized a lock of wavy golden hair and severed it with the sword just above her shoulder, about the same length her real hair was. She grabbed another handful of hair and was sawing through it when, to her horror, she felt a creeping feeling inside her scalp and the lock of sheered hair grew back past her hips and mingled with the rest of the hair again. Tina groaned and threw the sword on the floor with a loud clatter. How did the Author expect her to join the Fellowship of the Ring when her very hair was this much of a burden? Her head felt about ten pounds heavier than normal. No doubt she'd have to spend the better part of each day pulling her hair out of low tree branches and the like. But Mary-Sue authors never thought of that. Tina buried her face in her pillow to muffle the sound and moaned loudly.  
  
By this point Tina was considering running away, so that she wouldn't be able to disrupt the canon. But the Author would no doubt have one of the characters find her, and even if they didn't, Tina had no clue how to survive outside of Rivendell. Dying in Middle-Earth didn't sound like very much fun. Tina had underestimated the Author before, and she didn't feel like risking her life to do it again. The Author held the whip. But that didn't mean Tina couldn't make things hard for her/him/it.  
  
As the Fellowship finally left Rivendell (with Tina still clutching a third mug of coffee she had refused to leave without), a thought occurred to Tina - what would happen if she died in this 'fic? Would she return home by some cosmic oddity of 'Sue fics, or would she just . . . die? Lord of the Rings Mary-Sues seldom died, but there were exceptions to every rule, and every now and then an author was willing to sacrifice their character for the sake of sappiness . . .  
  
Tina was shaken out of her disturbing thoughts by Aragorn's voice, and by the fact that her coffee was gone.  
  
"Lady Mary-Sue, you appear troubled." he said.  
  
"I am troubled. My coffee is gone. And quit calling me 'Lady'." Tina said, turning her mug upside down and shaking it over her open mouth to get every last drop.  
  
"More than a lack of coffee troubles you. I can see it in your eyes." Aragorn insisted as Tina stuck her tongue out to catch the last drip of coffee.  
  
"How would you know? Maybe not having coffee really makes me that upset." Tina countered. Aragorn was silent for a moment.  
  
"Tis a perilous journey we embark upon this day. I know you must be afraid of what might happen."  
  
'You have no idea,' Tina thought.  
  
"If ever you need someone to talk to, I will listen, fair Lady. My heart is always open." Aragorn continued, and with a smile at Tina sped up and walked ahead. Tina grimaced - since when was Aragorn an open book? And what about Arwen? Tina clenched her fists and continued after the Fellowship.  
  
'I hope this Author has good health care, because when I get hold of her, she's going to need it.' Tina thought as she disentangled a lock of her hair from a low hanging branch. 


	4. Of Really Really Cold Places

A/N: Nope, not mine, and neither are mini-Balrogs. Those belong to Camilla Sandman. If you didn't know that already, then you must now go read The Official Fanfiction University of Middle Earth before I sick my coffee-deprived Tina on you.  
  
Tina: Grr.  
  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Of Really Really Cold Places  
  
  
Due to the fact that this was a 'Sue induced Middle-Earth rather than the genuine item, the trek to Caradhras was taking much less time than it normally would have. Tina was actually grateful for this, but it didn't make the long hike any more fun. Of course the Author didn't specify whether the journey was easy for his/her/its self inserted character, and consequently Tina didn't have much fun stumbling after the Fellowship in the impractical shoes the elves had provided for her. When the Fellowship finally stopped, Tina felt like her feet were going to shrivel up and fall off (even if they'd made it there in one day). She collapsed face down on a rock, moaning. None of the canonical characters noticed.  
  
-Alinagawathawen cast her emerald green eyes, flecked with birght violet, to the horzon. A dark cloud was forming in the distance. Alinagawathawen raised her slender, white, hand and pointed at the cloud. The eyes of the others followed it As she asked "Hey, what's that?" and. . .-  
  
'Oh whoop-dee-doo, everyone drops whatever they're doing to watch me point.' Tina thought. She had absolutely no intention of pointing at the crows. That was Frodo's job. Maybe if she waited long enough, he would speak up.  
  
But a minute passed, and Tina began to feel nervous. As stubborn as she was about preserving the canon of the story, what if this Mary-Sue induced Frodo never saw the "cloud" and Sauron found out where they were and . . . Tina gulped. That would surely be the end of her, Author or not. She glanced up. The cloud of birds was getting disturbingly close, and Frodo was making no moves to notice it at all. Tina pushed herself up off the rock and stomped over to the hobbit. He turned and smiled as she approached, his eyes glassy, but Tina had no time to dwell on Frodo's plight. She seized both sides of his face and turned his head so that he was looking straight at the "cloud".  
  
"Hey, what's that thing?" Frodo asked, and Tina considered hitting her head on a rock to dull the pain.  
  
"Mary-Sue, what do you think it is?" Aragorn asked, and Tina's headache grew considerably worse.  
  
"I don't know, you're the Ranger! You tell me!" she yelled in a sudden outburst of temper. Aragorn glared at the birds and announced that they were spies sent by Sauron. This sent the Fellowship into a generally out-of-character panic. Tina bent down to fit herself underneath an overhanging of rock, but just as she was about to slip under a voice cried out her name and a pair of strong arms seized her around her middle. She was dragged her across the rocks in full sight until being thrust beneath a scant, prickly bush. Tina started to yell indignantly, but a large hand covered her mouth as the birds flew overhead. As the flock passed, Tina wrenched the hand from her mouth and started to scream.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?! YOU ALMOST GOT US SPOTTED!" She shouted, turning around to face whatever character was responsible for dragging her away from her safe hiding place in what was no doubt an attempt on the Author's part at heroism.  
  
Legolas blinked in shock. Of course, he would be the one to do the "noble" thing and "save" her, even if his action was more stupid than noble, and Tina hadn't needed saving in the first place.  
  
"I only. . . I was going to. . ." he started, apparently unsure as to what to say. The Author hadn't prepared for this. Tina crossed her arms and tapped her fingers on her sleeves impatiently.  
  
"That rock was going to fall." Legolas said, when he managed to get a full sentence out.   
"You could have been hurt.  
  
"Weak." Tina muttered, but as she spoke the rock randomly cracked and fell over. The Author's doing, no doubt.  
  
"We must hurry. Time is running out. There's very littel of it left." Gandalf said.  
  
'And Gandalf has an overwhelming urge to repeat himself! He has decided to say the same thing over and over again!' Tina thought.  
  
"We must take to the mountains, for there we will be safest." he continued.  
  
"CARADHRAS, CARADHRAS, CARADHRAS!" Tina yelled. The Fellowship stared at her as she seethed with anger.  
  
"Yes, I believe that's the name of the mountains . . ." Gandalf said. Tina couldn't stand it anymore. She turned on her high heels, walked behind a large rock, and screamed. A lot. When she finally returned her face was bright red and she was quite out of breath.  
  
Then the Author spoke again.  
  
-"We should not take the mountain pass! Evil will befall us if we do!" Alinagawathawen cried, her face set in a hard look.   
  
"No! The pass is our only hope. There is no other way, and it is the way we must take to get to Sauron." Gandalf insisted, glaring at Alinagawathawen . . . -  
  
"Lead the way, old dude." Tina said, and tramped across the rocks in her impractical shoes after Gandalf.  
  
---  
  
Climbing Caradhras was not fun.  
  
Due to her Elvish blood, or maybe just to the fact that she was a Mary-Sue, Tina could walk on top of the snow but that didn't make the air any less frigid. Tina hated cold weather almost as much as she hated pink. Her idea of a cold day was anything below 80 degrees. It didn't even snow around Tina's house, and now here she was trekking up a mountain that she knew was eventually going to turn on them in snow that would have been knee deep if she hadn't been a Mary-Sue. Tina was not happy.  
  
"I'm cold." she muttered, her teeth chattering. "I'm hungry. I want some coffee. Nice, hot coffee. I'm cold."  
  
"All of us are, fair Lady." Frodo agreed, stumbling through the snow. Tina was beginning to notice that none of the other hobbits seemed to say that much in this story. Pippin, Merry, and Sam were oddly quiet, despite the fact that they were having just as much trouble making their way through the snow as Frodo.  
  
-The dark haired hobbit stumbled in the snow. A delicate white hand reached out to him, he took it and Alinagawathawen pulled him out of the snow . . .-  
  
"Yo Aragorn, I think Frodo could use some help." Tina called as Frodo slipped on cue. Aragorn blinked and stupidly helped the hobbit onto his feet again.  
  
"The Ring is gone!" Frodo yelled, grasping at his shirt. Tina peered at Boromir out of the corner of her eye to make sure he was doing what he was supposed to. He was, but as he finished musing about the Ring, the Author spoke again.  
  
-Alinagawathawen laid her shining white hand on Boromir's shoulder . . .-  
  
'So now I'm radioactive . . . ' Tina thought, her sarcasm meter rising to an unheard of number.  
  
-"Borimor. . .-  
  
'And another Mini-Balrog gets its wings.'  
  
- . . . Give the Ring to Frodo, it is his to carry. It could not help you to save Gondor . . ."-  
  
"No! Baaad Boromir! Give it back or no cookie for you!" Tina scolded when it became apparent that Aragorn wasn't going to do anything to make Boromir return the evil jewelry. Boromir sneered.  
  
"I don't need a woman telling me what to do!" he said, his voice dripping with disdain as he handed the Ring over to Frodo.  
  
'I was wondering when I'd hear from the designated sexist.' Tina thought when a storm promptly blew out of nowhere and nearly knocked her into the snow, despite the Author insisting that "Alinagawathawen stood strong against the blinding wind."  
  
"It is Saruman!" Gandalf yelled.  
  
-"I knew we should not have come this way!"- The Author prompted Tina.  
  
"Spoot!" Tina yelled, shaking her fist at the mountain.  
  
"We must turn back! Another way is our only hope!" Aragorn shouted  
  
"I'm cold!" Tina wailed.  
  
"We can not!" Gandalf insisted. "We will let the Ringbearer decide!"  
  
Tina would have made fun of Gandalf's inability to make up his mind, but she was too busy trying not to be buried in the ridiculously large amount of snow the Author was dumping on them.  
  
"We will go to the Mines of Moria!" Frodo said, despite the fact that no one had yet mentioned the mines in the 'fic. Tina didn't care. Without waiting to hear how the Author wanted her to pointlessly protest going to the Mines, she turned tail and fled down the mountain after Legolas.  
  
"If I ever get out of this horrible fic, I will NEVER complain of being cold ever, ever again!" She wailed, but her voice was lost under the sound of the storm. 


	5. Of Really Really Dark Places

A/n: {insert clever disclaimer here}  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Of Really Really Dark places  
  
  
The storm stopped almost as soon as the Fellowship climbed back to the bottom of the mountain (or in Tina's case, fell most of the way) and the sun set at an alarmingly fast rate. Tina stumbled twice as much in the dark. She wondered what would happen if she twisted her ankle in these awful shoes.  
  
The lake was dark and every time Tina looked at it she quivered with barely suppressed terror at the thought of a long, slimy tentacle snaking it's way out of the dirty water and winding around her ankle and dragging her back into the water where it would. . .  
  
Tina whimpered. She had an innately strong fear of the Watcher (and giant marine monsters in general) and the movie certainly hadn't helped get rid of it.  
  
"Here is the door to the Mines of Moria." Gandalf said, pointing at the Dwarven-made door in the large wall of rock. Tina was glad to take her mind off the lake and stared at the door, which even the Author couldn't make less beautiful. Tina stared in awe at the craftsmanship of the bright metal. She wondered if she dared to touch it. She reached out slowly (after all, how many times in your life did you get a chance to touch Dwarf-wrought ithildin?) when the Author interrupted her.  
  
-"How do we open it?" Frodo asked. "I do not know." said Gandalf.  
  
"Maybe I can figure it out," Alinagawathawen said, looking at the writing on the door. . ."-  
  
Since Tina didn't know how to read runes, there was no way this was ever going to happen. But to her surprise, she found that the runes made perfect sense, and not just because she'd memorized what they said from the book. Gandalf informed the rest of the Fellowship that the phrase was "a riddle, asking for the password". Tina sat down with her back to the wall, staring at the lake to make sure that if the Author was for some reason going to have the Watcher attack her, she'd at least be able to scream in time.  
  
There was a "plunk!" and Tina jumped, but it was only Pippin throwing rocks. Aragorn yelled at him and -Alinagawathawen looked at him sadly, could he not see the lake was evil? -. Tina locked her eyes on the lake and tried not to look at Pippin in any way at all.  
  
A few seconds later Frodo figured out the riddle and Tina's heart began to pound. Ai Eru, this was the part where the Watcher attacked! Tina put her hand on her sword as the Fellowship ventured into the mine. There was a crunch under Tina's elegantly shod foot and she looked down.  
  
"Oh God!" she cried out in horror. Beneath her foot were the crumbled remains of what had once been a rotting dwarf's head. It's skull was crushed, and its dust coated her shoe. Tina's stomach heaved and she retched. This was worse than the lake, a thousand times worse.  
  
"Let's get out of here!" Boromir said. Tina was so sickened she didn't even care that what Boromir had just said was a far cry from his line in the movie. She positively fled the macabre scene of death only to find that the Watcher was waiting.  
  
Tina screamed and threw herself onto the ground as a tentacle whipped through the air and missed her by mere inches. She wasn't brave, and she wasn't canonical. The Author could insist that "Alinagawathawen was a strong swordswoman and did not loose her head in a crisis" all she wanted, but all the fighting skills Tina had been given as a Mary-Sue had vanished in the way of her fear. Tina's muscles jerked involuntarily as she scrambled away from a tentacle that was reaching for her, her face in the dirt. The ridiculously pretty dress she was wearing was soaked with mud and dirty water. Tina had never been so scared in her life.  
  
A cold, slimy tentacle coiled around her ankle and dragged her to the water with horrible strength. Tina screamed and kicked at the clammy, sucker covered appendage but the Watcher took no notice other than to tighten it's hold and pull her faster. One of the canonical characters was screaming her name. Cold water washed over her feet and Tina clumsily yanked her sword out of it's sheath with shaking hands and brought it down with a loud "thwack!" onto what she hoped was the Watcher's tentacle and not her foot. The Watcher screeched and something resembling blood poured out of the severed tentacle, now limp around Tina's ankle. The naked sword in her hand brought Tina some comfort - at least now she could defend herself. She hacked at another tentacle that was reaching for her. Suddenly the Watcher withdrew it's attention from her and pulled something small off the ground.  
  
"Frodo!" Tina wailed, haphazardly waving her sword around in the direction of the Watcher. Why wasn't anyone trying to save him? Sure Legolas was most effectively shooting arrows into the Watchers eye and Aragorn was hacking tentacles left and right, but not even Sam was making any efforts to prevent Frodo from being killed by the Watcher.  
  
-"Frodo!" Alinagawathawen cried, and ran forward, she raised her sword high and cut the tentacle and Frodo dropped to the ground . . .-  
  
'Ai Eru! Why me?' Tina thought. "Someone help him!" she wailed. Gimli, Boromir, and the hobbits looked at her rather stupidly. Aragorn and Legolas didn't even seem to hear her. Tina screamed in terror of the Watcher and fury at the Author and ran to Frodo, tripping only twice in her sodden shoes, and swung her sword in a clumsy arc. The tentacle severed and Frodo fell on the ground. The Watcher screeched and started to pull itself farther out of the water. Tina glanced towards the dark mouth of the mine - oh, she did NOT want to go back in there. There was no other choice, though, but her legs suddenly seemed to have been rooted to the mud. Various canonical characters seized her and pulled her through the door as "there was a cave-in", as the Author so eloquently put it, and they were stuck.  
  
Tina glanced around to make sure there weren't any dead bodies (it wasn't nearly as dark as Tolkien had described it in the proper book) and curled up on the ground, sobbing with terror into her dress, which was soaked with dirty water and probably something else even less appealing. She was shaking uncontrollably, and her mind kept pulling up images of the Watcher dragging her into the lake. . .  
  
Frodo knelt next to Tina, and she was glad for his company even if an evil Author was controlling him. He was thanking her for saving him, but Tina didn't really hear any of it. Ai Eru, she would have nightmares tonight. She sniffled and tried not to think of the thousands of Orcs and the cave troll and the Balrog that she'd probably be facing very soon.  
  
The Fellowship politely waited until Tina was done crying (even though it wasn't part of the Author's plan) and set off through the dark mine. Tina trailed behind them, sniffling occasionally and jumping at every slight noise. Legolas fell back to walk next to her.  
  
"Mary-Sue, are you okay?" he asked.  
  
"I was until you used slang." Tina replied grumpily.  
  
"But you were crying." Legolas insisted.  
  
"Why do you care?" Tina snapped, then instantly wished she could take it back. Sappiness could only ensue from this point on.  
  
"How could I not care for you? You are an amazing wonderful lady. Your virtures far outshine those of a thousand stars, the Valar envy your beautfy, your skill with a sword is unmatched."  
  
'No kidding, that's because it's so bad.' Tina thought.  
  
"You astound me with your beauty . . ." Legolas continued. He turned to Tina and stopped, putting his arm in front of her. She stopped, staring at him. Legolas closed his eyes and leaned towards her, up against the wall of the Mine, his full lips puckering up as he drew closer . . .   
  
Tina's eyes widened and she ducked. Legolas kissed solid rock as Tina crawled underneath his arm and ran after Gandalf's faint light. Legolas separated from the wall in surprise and grabbed Tina's arm.  
  
"Mary Sue!" he started to say, but Tina yanked her arm back.  
  
"Stop hitting on me!" she yelled in a voice loud enough for the rest of the Fellowship to hear, and ran into the midst of the hobbits, where she thought she might be safe for at least a while.  
  
---  
  
Five minutes later the Fellowship stopped so that Gandalf could figure out where they were. Tina stubbed her toe on a rock and said some words that are not suitable for printing before glumly sitting down. She was tired - more tired than she'd ever been in her life. She wanted nothing more than to curl up and sleep for weeks and weeks, even if the rocks weren't exactly very comfortable. She closed her eyes as Frodo noticed Gollum and Gandalf told him in a painfully Mary-Sue induced fashion not to be judgmental and ignored the Author's prompting to agree with him. She must have dozed, because the next thing she knew someone was poking her and telling her to wake up. Apparently, the rest of the Fellowship wanted her to entertain them.  
  
"Lady Mary-Sue, perhaps you could tell us a tale. No doubt you know many with your grace and beauty." Gandalf said. Tina was silent for a moment, wondering how Gandalf figured that being graceful and beautiful meant you knew how to tell a good story.  
  
"All right, I have a tale for you." she finally said. Instantly the Fellowship sat up at attention and nine pairs of eyes were fixed on her.  
  
"Once upon a time," she said slowly, her voice low. "There was an ugly barnacle." she paused for effect. "He was so ugly that everybody died. The end."  
  
"A wonderful tale!" Frodo exclaimed. "My stepfather Bilbo, would have loved it!"  
  
"A pity it is so short . . ." Legolas mused.  
  
Tina groaned, and the Fellowship promptly became very busy trying to separate her from the wall she had started banging her head against. 


	6. Of Really Really Stupid Authors

A/N: Frodo is spiffy. So is Sam. So is the rest of LotR. And I don't own any of it.  
  
  
Chapter 6  
  
Of Really Really Stupid Authors  
  
  
"It's this way."  
  
Tina jerked out of her light sleep as Gandalf made his decision.  
  
"Are you sure, Gandalf?" Frodo asked as the "old man" got up.  
  
"Sometimes I'm never sure." Gandalf said. Tina gagged, but followed, wiping her sleepy eyes and trying to ignore her grumbling stomach, which she was sure was going to summon orcs sooner or later. Gandalf flung out his hand.  
  
"Behold!" he cried, and Tina promptly forgot about her exhaustion and her hunger as she beheld what had once, at the hand of a better Author than this, been Dwarrodelf. For a second she forgot to make sure she didn't mess with the canon.  
  
"That's an eye opener. . ." Tina said at the exact same moment as Sam. The Fellowship looked at her oddly.  
  
"What? It is!" Tina insisted.  
  
What proper memory of the movie the author had seemed to be fading, as Gimli made no motion to separate from the Fellowship and Gandalf promptly led them all into Balin's tomb. It reeked of even more decay than the rest of the mines, for some reason, and Tina pulled her cloak over her nose in distaste. She listened hard to the words in her head.  
  
-The dusty room was full of the scent of decaying bodies . . .-  
  
'Why does it smell so much worse than the rest of the mines, then?' Tina wondered, noticing that though the room was filled with the scent of decaying bodies it was not filled with the decaying bodies themselves. Go figure. Normally this breach of canon would have irked Tina, but the fear of the Watcher still lingered, and she was beginning to think she heard drums, even though Pippin hadn't pushed anything into a well yet.  
  
'My mind is playing tricks on me. . .' she thought as Gimli completely lost his composure and bawled over his cousin's tomb. The Dwarf's "racking sobs" were interrupted by a horrendous crash that signaled Pippin pushing a skeleton down the well. Tina slapped her hands over her pointed ears.  
  
"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf shouted. "You shall get us all killed!"  
  
"Aww, aren't you going to tell him to throw himself in?" Tina said quietly when Gandalf walked by. Gandalf blinked, as if recalling something from a dream and turned around.  
  
"And . . . throw yourself in next time, and save us the trouble!" he said to Pippin, his voice growing stronger as he slowly recalled the words.  
  
'Not bad. Not exactly what he was supposed to say, but not bad.' Tina thought.  
  
Then the drums started up.  
  
"They are coming!" Legolas yelled, and jumped to Tina's side with his bow ready. "Prepare to fight, Mary-Sue."  
  
-"Legolas, I am frightened . . ." Alinagawathawen said softly.  
  
"Do not fear Lady, I will protect you." Legolas gallently stated . . .-  
  
"Yeah yeah, whatever you say." Tina muttered. Bow or sword? Bow or sword? At the moment she wasn't really sure she could wield either, but her odds of surviving were certainly better if she had a weapon. In the end she pulled an arrow out of her quiver (dropping it only once) and aimed for the doors (which had been conveniently barred while Legolas tried to have a moment with Tina).  
  
"They have a cave troll," Boromir declared, and Tina suppressed a moan. At least it wasn't the Watcher.  
  
Somehow Tina's Mary-Sue abilities kicked in when the orcs attacked the hapless door and she suddenly found herself shooting arrows through the holes and into the eyes and throats of the hideous beings. She stopped, her hand halfway back to her quiver. Could it hurt canon that much if she shot a couple of orcs? But while she stood there, pondering how much she was disrupting the plot the orcs burst through the door and at her and she really had no choice. Orcs seemed to swarm her from all angles and arrows began to seem like not enough. Tina dropped her bow and pulled out her sword in a swift motion she didn't know she could perform. Once again she was overcome with Mary Sue abilities and orcs fell as if she were mowing them down with a machine gun.  
  
'One of those would be useful right now,' Tina thought as a particularly nasty looking orc shredded her ridiculous sleeve with his blade. Tina jumped back and tripped over a decaying dwarf. Her sword went flying and she fell on her perfectly sized posterior - not too big, but definitely not flat. The orc raised his sword up. Tina screamed. She was going to die. She couldn't die. Would the Author let her die? The orc began to sweep it's blade downwards as Tina tried to make her legs work when suddenly the orc choked, froze, and fell over with an arrow in it's neck. A rather disgusting sight. Tina pulled herself out of the way as it fell over.  
  
"Mary Sue! Are you hurt?" Legolas cried, leaping over the fallen orc. "Are you okay?"  
  
"GO KILL THE STUPID CAVE TROLL OR SOMETHING!" Tina shouted, furious with herself, the Author, even Legolas. The elf blinked and started shooting some more orcs as the troll played peek-a-boo with Frodo around a column. Tina busied herself with fending off a few more orcs while she tried to remember what came next. It was a bit hard to focus when bunches of horrifying creatures were trying to decapitate her. She glanced over to see how Frodo was doing . . .  
  
Just as the cave troll jammed a spear into his side.  
  
"NOO!" Tina wailed. She forgot about the canon - forgot that she was a Mary-Sue - even forgot that Frodo wasn't going to die. She swung her sword around and tried to get to him, but tripped over a conveniently placed dead orc. The look on Frodo's face was heartbreaking. Tina could feel tears welling up in her eyes. This was more realistic than the movie, and she cried during that too.  
  
Merry and Pippin leapt on top of the troll and for a moment Tina was tempted to do so as well. She pushed herself up and started towards the troll, hell-bent on at least giving it a good kick in the shins, when she remembered that that was most likely exactly what the Author wanted her to do. Tina suddenly felt very strange. The room seemed to tilt and waver. Merry and Pippin fell off of the troll. Legolas dropped his bow. Aragorn was thrown aside by a blow from the troll's club that should have smashed him into several pieces. Eru only knew where Boromir and Gimli were. The canon was being disrupted so blatantly that it was disorienting Tina.  
  
"Mary Sue! Do something!" Legolas yelled.  
  
"Me?! What can I do?!" Tina yelled, and stamped her foot to emphasize her frustration. She didn't have much of a choice though, as the cave troll suddenly decided she was much more interesting than a few defenseless hobbits and started making its way towards her. She gulped and held her sword in its direction. It raised it's club up and Tina clenched her sword tighter.  
  
'Don't scream - don't trip - do something RIGHT for once, even if this IS a Mary Sue . . .' she thought (she couldn't exactly let the troll live), and dived foreword as the club smashed a gaping hole where she had previously stood. She scrambled to her feet, right next to those of the troll. An idea occurred to her - and she almost laughed. It was too ridiculous.  
  
"Mary Sue!" Legolas shouted urgently as the troll started to move. Tina shrugged. Couldn't hurt to try. . . then again, maybe it could. Ah, whatever.  
  
Tina stuck out her foot.  
  
The troll started forward and his foot caught on hers - and surprisingly, she wasn't the one who went flying. The troll did. It landed face down on the ground and lay, unmoving.  
  
"You have GOT to be kidding me!" Tina shouted as the room stopped wavering and everyone started rushing to Frodo.  
  
Frodo!  
  
Tina tried not to look too overjoyed when Aragorn announced he was alive and everyone fawned over the hobbit's mithril coat. After all, she'd known it already. Still it wasn't fun to watch someone who was your hero get (nearly) skewered.  
  
"We must go." Gandalf said, and the Fellowship dashed out of the tomb and into Dwarrodelf. Tina pulled out her sword just in case one of the many orcs swarming down around them attacked. The twisted beings surrounded the Fellowship. Just looking at them all made Tina a bit dizzy. Suddenly, bright orange light caught Tina's eye.  
  
"A Balrog . . ." Gandalf said.  
  
Tina should have been terrified. She should have been shaking in her boots (or high heels) and wetting her dress. But to be quite honest, after the cave troll, she didn't expect much.  
  
The Fellowship ran. Tina ran too. Down the immense stairs, stopping before she fell over a broken edge to her doom, leaping with elven-grace across marred spaces in the stonework. In short, nancing just like a Mary Sue.  
  
Legolas leapt over the great gap in the mini-bridge and turned around.  
  
"Mary Sue!" he cried, as orc arrows began to rain about them. Tina leapt with surprising grace across the gap and landed quite delicately on the steps, next to Legolas, who looked at her sappily. Tina was too busy staring fearfully at Frodo to notice.  
  
Gandalf jumped; Boromir jumped; Merry and Pippin (for some reason) jumped; Gimli jumped and "made the rock crumble under his feet". Aragorn and Frodo threw themselves backwards as an immense boulder fell from the roof and effectively turned the steps upon which the Man and Hobbit stood into an island in midair. Tina's heart was in her throat. The stairs wavered, tipped to the side . . . Aragorn and Frodo leaned forward and Tina held her breath, her heart racing as the stair tipped towards her oh-so-slowly . . .  
  
The stairs crashed together, and Frodo tumbled into Tina's arms. The blood rushed to her face as she stared directly into his beautiful blue eyes. He was saying her name . . . over and over . . .  
  
"Yes?" Tina replied.  
  
"You can put me down now." Frodo said. Tina blushed even more brightly and set the hobbit down.  
  
The Fellowship ran some more. As they came to the bridge, Tina heard a great roaring and felt a rush of hot air that meant that the Balrog surely had appeared. She didn't look back. She didn't really think she needed to see a fiery demon cloaked in shadow at this time. The Fellowship (sans Gandalf) began to cross the bridge, and somehow Tina was the last one across.  
  
'Don't look down, don't look down,' she chanted as she ran, trying not to thing of how much time she'd have to scream if she fell or the Balrog behind her, when the Author's voice made her stop.  
  
-Alinagawathawen turned, Gandalf could not destroy the monster himself . . .-  
  
No. No no no no NO.  
  
Tina turned her head just enough to see how Gandalf was doing. He wasn't dead yet, but he certainly wasn't doing as well as in the movie. As a matter of fact, he was quailing.  
  
On one hand, Tina didn't want to show off any more Mary Sue abilities than necessary. On the other hand, Gandalf appeared to be loosing and a Balrog loose in Middle Earth would most certainly disrupt the canon in a most horrible way. She stalked up next to Gandalf, hoping she wasn't going to die.  
  
-Alinagawathawen began to glow. She was so bright that the Balrog backed up and covered it's eyes. . .-  
  
Tina blew the Balrog a very long, loud raspberry. Her "attack" was so fierce that the fiery demon raised it's hand to shield itself from her spit.  
  
"You shall not pass!" Gandalf shouted, seeming to regain some of his former glory, and brought his staff down. The bridge cracked and the Balrog fell. Tina peered over the edge. She had one last thing to make sure of. But it was quite clear that the Balrog's whip was not going to pull Gandalf off the bridge. Tina looked at the Fellowship - they had started to run again. She looked at Gandalf - he was watching the Balrog fall. There was only one thing to do. The canon was starting to go all wavery again.  
  
Tina strolled up to Gandalf in what she clearly thought was a casual fashion, whistling nervously, and with a swift movement pushed him off the bridge. The canon lurched and the Fellowship turned back to see Gandalf hanging from the bridge. Tina actually giggled. The entire concept was ridiculously funny.  
  
"GANDALF!" Frodo cried, and Tina had a sudden urge to help him up.  
  
"Fly, you fools!" Gandalf shouted, and let go. Frodo wailed, and though she was far away Tina could see his expression as clearly as when she was watching it on a big screen in the movie theater. His expression was heart wrenching, and Tina was overwhelmed with guilt. Suddenly pushing Gandalf off a bridge didn't seem so amusing.  
  
"It was for your own good . . ." she whispered, more to comfort herself than him. Orc arrows fell around her like rain. She picked up her ridiculous skirt and ran, Frodo's cry echoing in her ears, tears welling up in her eyes.  
  
SHE had caused this. Even if it was the best thing she could have possibly done for Frodo (and, she reminded herself, the entire story), she felt awful.  
  
Tina caught up with the Fellowship in an oddly short amount of time. She was vaguely aware that Legolas saved her life a few more times, but how and from what she wasn't sure. She was all too glad to leave the mine, even though the sudden light made her eyes hurt. She rubbed her eyes and sniffed despondently as the hobbits all sobbed. As her eyes adjusted she raised her head and watched as a tear formed in Frodo's impossibly blue eye and ran down his cheek. She resisted the urge to hug him.  
  
"We must keep moving. The orcs won't stay there for long." Aragorn said.  
  
-"But look! They are sad! Can't we let them have a few minutes?" Alinagawathawen asked . . .-  
  
Tina ignored the Author and followed Aragorn, glad for the distraction. 


	7. Horror of Unspeakable Horrors!

A/N: If wishes were horses . . . then I would have a lot of them. Yet I would still not own LotR. Darnit -__-  
  
  
Chapter 7  
  
Horror of Unspeakable Horror!  
  
  
Lothlórien does wonders for ones spirit. Even when one has just pushed a wizard off a bridge and made their hero cry. Tina hung back behind the Fellowship, gazing up at the golden mallorn. It wasn't exactly like she had imagined it, but it was certainly beautiful. She wasn't sure what it was - perhaps a combination of her natural desire for Middle Earth and her unfortunate Mary-Sueism, but Tina was beginning to feel uncharacteristically . . . giddy. There was no other word for it. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Ai Eru, but Lothlórien smelled good! With an idiotic giggle she stuck her arms out and began to spin around in a lopsided circle, hoping she didn't crash into one of the trees. She weave around the golden wood, her circles becoming more erratic and her giggles louder as she got dizzier. This was fun.  
  
As one would expect, Tina's shoes were not made for spinning, and mid circle she tripped over a root and landed with her face in the leaves. Tina sat up and rubbed her nose. That was it - these shoes had to go. She pulled one off her delicate white foot and wrenched off a heel. She was just starting in on the other one when the Author spoke again.  
  
-Alinagawathawen finished her dance . . .-  
  
'Dance?! DAMN!' Tina cursed herself for falling under the Author's sway.  
  
-. . . and sat down. She looked up above her at the green trees . . .-  
  
The mallorn around Tina promptly disappeared and was replaced by regular green foliage. Tina growled loudly and threw one of her heels at one of the trees. It bounced off with a clatter and someone put a hand on her shoulder. She flicked it off and turned around, expecting to see Legolas.  
  
But it wasn't Legolas - it was an elf she'd never seen before, probably one of the Galadhrim. She waited for him to stick an arrow in her face, and was most surprised when he instead bowed.  
  
"Lady Mary-Sue, I welcome you to Lothroien!" he said, and Tina twitched at the mis-spelling. She glanced over to the Fellowship, which was surrounded by arrow-bearing elves.  
  
"We caught these interlopers in the wood, Lady." the random elf said.  
  
-"Let them go Nibinurion," Alinagawathawen said, "they are my friends. . ."-  
  
"Uh . . . yeah. Interlopers . . . I'm one too." Tina said.  
  
"An interloper?" Nibinurion said, his generic Elvish face wrinkling with confusion. "Nonsense, you are never an interloper here . . . come, we shall take you to see the Lord and Lady."  
  
Tina had a bad feeling about this, but she followed.  
  
---  
  
The sky turned dark quite quickly as Tina entered Lórien. She spent the better part of her time in it with her mouth hanging open in amazement. Lórien was magnificent! It was even better in person!  
  
"A Elbereth Gilthoniel!" Tina said as she craned her neck back to look at a huge tree. She'd been saying it about every two minutes since coming to the city, but no one had seemed to notice. Her wonder finally began to decrease when they all started to climb the stairs.  
  
Tina had never imagined there could be so many stairs in one place. Her legs were screaming already and they weren't even halfway up. She peered over the edge and instantly felt dizzy. She was beginning to wonder if they'd ever stop when they finally did.  
  
Legolas had managed to find a place next to Tina when Celeborn and Galadriel appeared. Tina's mouth dropped open again. It was THEM . . . the real Galadriel and Celeborn! Mary Sue or not, this was cool!  
  
The Lord and Lady stopped and coolly observed the Fellowship.  
  
"Nine there were, but eight I see. Where is Gandalf?" Celeborn asked.  
  
"He has fallen into shadow . . ." Galadriel murmured, and she stared right at Tina. Tina tried to say something, but her vocal chords seemed to be suffering from temporary paralysis.  
  
"Uh . . ." she said, staring with wide eyes at the Lady. She must have looked very stupid, standing there with her mouth hanging open, but Galadriel didn't seem to notice.  
  
"Welcome to Lórien, weary travelers." the Lady said. "You have come far. Now you shall rest with us."  
  
Here Tina actually managed to shut her mouth. Then Galadriel walked forward and placed her hands on Tina's shoulders. Tina's eyes opened to about the size of dinner plates.  
  
"Mary-Sue . . . long have you traveled out of Lórien." Galadriel said, smiling. "No doubt you have been of much assistance to the Fellowship." Tina tried to frown, but doing so seemed impossible when Galadriel was staring at you. "Welcome home,  
  
'. . .HOME?!' Tina thought.  
  
"Welcome home Mary-Sue, my long lost daughter . . ." Galadriel finished. Tina threw back her head and her horrified wail rang through Lórien.  
  
"NOOO!" 


	8. Oh Make Up Your Own Title

A/N: Make up your own disclaimer.  
  
Oh, and my heartfelt apologies go out to all those Boromir and Legolas fans who shall want to hunt me down and hang me with my own intestines after this chapter.  
  
  
Chapter 8  
  
Oh, make up your own title.  
  
  
Now normally, Tina would have wailed continuously in absolute horror. Or at the very least until her voice gave out. If she hadn't been so disgusted that her brain was still functioning properly, she would have wondered how the Hell she could be Galadriel's daughter when she was "A quarter human, a quarter hobbit, a quarter elf, and a quarter mermaid". Maybe she might have even noticed that she had somehow morphed into an elf during her little nance around Middle Earth. But, despite Tina's justifiable horror at having been pronounced Galadriel's daughter, all these thoughts were driven from her  
mind by the latest non-canonical instance;  
  
A feast.  
  
With COFFEE.  
  
Tina thanked every single Valar by name and all the Maiar she could remember as she inhaled the scent of the precious black liquid in the mug clenched protectively in her hands. She was deaf to the praise of the elves, the attempts at wooing made to her by Legolas, and even the really stupid speeches Celeborn was making. At least, until her coffee was gone. Tina sat back behind her characteristic stack of dishes, this time even larger than usual, and sipped the last mouthful of her coffee, making it last as long as she could. She was delightfully full and content, having not had what she considered a decent meal in what felt like months (and what WOULD have been a month or two, had this been the proper Fellowship of the Ring), and finally stuffed herself silly on food that rivaled even Elrond's when Galadriel finally caught her attention.  
  
"Mary-Sue!" the Lady shouted, loosing her composure for an instant.  
  
"Yeah, whaddaya want?" Tina asked insolently, placing her feet up on the table. This drew some odd stares from the elves.  
  
"My daughter, my heart sings with joy that you have returned." Galadriel said.  
  
'Oh for Valar's sake!' Tina thought, and groaned.  
  
"Would you do us the honor then of blessing us with a song of your voice?"  
  
Tina blinked and tried to straighten the sentence out in her head. Legolas, however, seemed to understand completely.  
  
"Yes, fair maid, sing for us! Your voice is more beutiful then that of a thousand birds!"  
  
"A thousand birds are just really noisy." Tina pointed out, and the elves fell silent, wondering why Legolas' sentence, which they had thought poetic a second ago, now made very little sense.  
  
"Please sing for us, Mary-Sue." Frodo requested, staring at Tina, who bit her lower lip and tried to look away. Ai Eru, why couldn't she resist those eyes? She groaned and stood up.  
  
"Fine," she said, and began to push dishes off the table. Once she had a place cleared, she jumped up on top of it and started to kick dishes off to make more room. A plate of what looked like mashed potatoes landed in Legolas' lap. A cheese platter was deposited all over Aragorn. Pippin was soaked by a bowl of soup that Tina hoped wasn't too hot. And the odd thing was, they didn't seem to mind. They were too busy staring at her like morons, as were the rest of the elves. Albeit the Galadhrim looked a bit more confused than the Fellowship. Tina supposed the Author hadn't had a chance to gain as much control over them as she had over the Fellowship. Tina opened her rosebud mouth and started to sing.  
  
"My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R! My bologna has a second name, it's M-A-Y-E-R! Oh I love to eat it every day and if you ask me why I'll say . . . 'cause Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!"  
  
The Fellowship started to clap and cheer, but their collective sound was small compared to the silence of the Galadhrim. The elves were looking at Tina as though trying to decide whether her song was beautiful or just plain stupid. Tina could almost see the Author fighting for control over them. Unfortunately, the Author eventually won and one of the elves started clapping. Tina scooped up a handful of something that might have been a mashed vegetable and flung it in his face.  
  
None of the other elves clapped.  
  
With most of the food eaten and nothing else interesting to do, the guests left the table. Tina wandered away from the Fellowship. She was tired of being hit on every five seconds, and of always being forced to be the center of attention. Mostly she was quite depressed. For years she'd wanted to come to Middle Earth. See the unspoiled land, meet the characters she respected and idolized so much, maybe even learn an orc slaying technique or two. What Lord of the Rings fan didn't? And when she finally got her wish, she had to be a Mary-Sue. A Mary-Sue, and by that name even! It was horrible. It was a nightmare. It was the greatest disappointment she could suffer. It was -  
  
Tina was interrupted when her sensitive elf ears picked up the sound of soft footfalls behind her. Lady Galadriel was standing behind her. Once again, Tina lost control of her vocal chords as she stared, open mouthed, at the Lady of what had once been the Golden Wood.  
  
"Uh . . ." she said.  
  
"Mary-Sue," Galadriel said quietly, staring at her with the glazed eyes Tina had become so accustomed to seeing. "I must talk with you."  
  
"Uh huh . . ." Tina said, managing to add another syllable to her around-Galadriel-vocabulary.  
  
"My daughter . . ." she sighed, her glassy eyes welling up.  
  
Tina suddenly found the Lady much less impressive.  
  
"Not the real Galadriel. Not the real Galadriel. She's under the control of the Author." She reminded herself  
  
Galadriel sat down against a tree and motioned for Tina to do the same. Tina sat, mainly because she couldn't think of anything else to do, and because she wanted to stare at Galadriel some more (even if she was being influenced by an evil Author).  
  
"I know what you feel in your heart," Galadriel said, suddenly becoming serious. "And I have seen how you look at the elf prince."  
  
"You mean, in complete and total horror that he's going to ambush and rape me in my sleep?" Tina asked, pleased to find that her voice worked again. Galadriel blinked.  
  
"No. . ." she said finally. "You gaze upon him with longing and love."  
  
'Longing before love, of course' Tina thought.  
  
"And he looks upon you in a similar manner." The Lady continued. "I have seen it."  
  
'Have you seen how much I wish everyone would stop lusting over me, then?' Tina thought, narrowing her eyes. Galadriel didn't notice and continued to babble in a horribly Mary-Sue induced fashion that made Tina wince every three seconds.  
  
". . . and I am ready to listen, if you have anything to ask me." Galadriel said, ending her speech. Tina nearly retched. Galadriel stood up, apparently sure that her long lost daughter didn't have any questions.  
  
But Tina surprised her.  
  
"I have a question: How in Eru's green Arda can I be a quarter hobbit, quarter human, quarter elf, and quarter mermaid if YOU'RE my mom?"  
  
Galadriel blinked.  
  
"Mary-Sue, you are not . . . all of those things. You are an elf, and one of high birth at that." she said, and hurried off. Probably to say odd things to Frodo.  
  
Tina wondered how she'd managed to morph from . . . whatever she was at the beginning of the story to an elf and when it happened. The ground was getting uncomfortable, so she stood up and started walking aimlessly, contemplating ways to get out of this horrible place.  
  
"No, fair maiden! I cannot love you, for I love fair Mary Sue!"  
  
Tina peered past the trees and recognized Legolas. A female elf had draped herself across his chest.  
  
"Oh Legolas! Don't you see I love you? I cannot live without you!" the elf simpered, her eyes glassy and blank.  
  
"No, my love for Mary Sue is always true, Sitara. I cannot love another!" Legolas said.  
  
"Oh Legolas," Sitara whined. Tina rolled her eyes and stalked off. Was this the Author's idea of making Legolas look loyal?  
  
She didn't quite notice how far she'd walked when she heard someone following her.  
  
"Mary-Sue!" a harsh voice yelled and Tina stopped walking. She looked over her shoulder and saw Boromir standing behind her. She glanced around and saw a river - probably the Silverlode. There were no elves in sight.  
  
Tina got a horrible feeling.  
  
"Uh . . .yeah?" she asked, hoping Boromir would by some miracle act like his normal self.  
  
He wouldn't.  
  
"Mary Sue . . . I must talk to you." he said, striding up and grabbing Tina's hands. She gently pulled them out, careful not to excite his anger.  
  
"Mary Sue . . . I know of your feelings towards Legolas." he said, grabbing her hands again. Tina wanted to say 'So YOU know I'm terrified of this horrible twisted version of him as well?' but she didn't.  
  
"Legolas is a mere elf prince. Not worthy of a beautiful maiden such as yourself." Boromir continued.  
  
-"How can you say such things of your friend, Boromir?" Alinagawathawen stated shocked. . .- The Author said, and Tina ignored him/her/it. This was no time to be defending Legolas. Especially not a Mary-Sue induced Legolas.  
  
"Go away, dude." Tina said, backing up and fixing her supreme death glare at Boromir. Man, did she hate Mary Sue Boromirs. They were such a far cry from the real Boromir it was just sad.  
  
"I, however, am a Lord of Gondor! I am far more worthy of you than Legolas is!" Boromir said, getting so close to Tina that she was quite uncomfortable.  
  
-"I can choose who to love on my own, thank you." Alinagawathawen sniffed . . .-  
  
"You scare me. Go away." Tina ordered sharply.  
  
"I am the Lord of Gondor!" Boromir repeated, and Tina was tempted to inquire what had happened to Denethor. She didn't get the chance, though, because Boromir promptly pushed her to the ground. Before she could get up, he dropped and put his knee on her stomach. On her bladder, actually. It was quite uncomfortable.  
  
"I will have you!" Boromir cried, and started to fumble at the neckline of her dress.  
  
-"Oh! Help me, someone help!" Alinagawathawen cried . . .-  
  
Yeah. Right.  
  
Alinagawathawen may have been able to slay orcs by the dozens, but she was positively helpless when someone who was normally a pretty cool guy was raping her.  
  
Tina wasn't.  
  
With a quick apology to whatever there was of the REAL Boromir hiding inside this twisted Mary-Sue induced being, Tina spit in his face and when he leaned back in shock, grunted and brought her knee up - directly into his crotch.  
  
Boromir's eyes bugged out and he made a very odd sound. Tina pushed him aside and he curled up on the ground in a fetal position, whimpering and rocking back and forth. Tina stood up and pulled her dress sleeve up over her shoulder again. Legolas appeared just as she was brushing herself off.  
  
"Mary-Sue! What happened? I heard your cry . . ." he said, and glanced from Tina to Boromir and back.  
  
"Nothing." Tina said calmly, hoping to avoid what she was quite certain would happen next.  
  
"What did he do to you?" Legolas asked, grabbing Tina by the shoulders.  
  
-"Legolas, it was awful . . ." Alinagawathawen moaned. She put her face into his shoulder and sobbed . . .-  
  
"Oh quit trying to be a hero and go away." Tina said, stalking past Legolas - or trying to, anyway. To her surprise, he grabbed her and held her close in his strong embrace. Tina squirmed and muttered "lemme go!" into his chest, as well as other things that are not suitable to print here.  
  
"It's all right, Mary-Sue. You're safe now." He said, and loosened his embrace enough to let Tina remove her face from his chest. She glared at him and started to shout obscenities, but Legolas grabbed her face (albeit gently) and brought his lips to her mouth in a passionate kiss. He started to reach up to her shoulders to pull down the sleeves of her dress.  
  
And Tina certainly wasn't going to have any of that.  
  
She seized his pointy ear and twisted it as she used to when her sister pulled her hair when she was younger. Legolas separated from her and twisted his head, trying to lessen the pain in his ear.  
  
"Owowow!" he moaned as Tina pushed him away. He sprawled on his backside on the banks of the river (Boromir had conveniently disappeared).  
  
"Mary-Sue! Why do you reject my love?" he said plaintively.  
  
"I'm not in love with you! Get that through your Author-induced head! And stop hitting on me!" Tina yelled and automatically stalked off. She was going to where Boromir should be talking to Aragorn, and where the hobbits were sleeping. Almost without thinking she walked into the middle of the hobbits, who all woke up at her approach (Frodo was as well). She sat down, thinking she'd be safe there amid the small people.  
But she wasn't out of the woods yet.  
  
"Why do you always retreat to the hobbits?" Legolas called from behind her. He had followed her.  
  
"Uh . . ."  
  
"If I didn't know any better . . ." Legolas hissed. "I would swear that you were in love with. . . Frodo!"  
  
All the hobbits sat up suddenly and Frodo grinned like an idiot. Tina bit her lower lip. Uh oh. How was she going to get out of this one?  
  
"I have seen the way you look at him!" Legolas continued.  
  
"WHY IS THE WAY I LOOK AT EVERYONE SO DAMN NOTICEABLE!?" Tina screamed. She had been angry before, but now her temper was completely shot. She was getting a headache. "STOP STARING AT ME ALL THE TIME! I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU!"  
  
"But . . ." Legolas started to say, as if he could see no reason why she wouldn't be madly in love with him.  
  
"AND I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH FRODO," Tina lied, "AND FROM NOW ON YOU ARE ALL GOING TO JUST LEAVE ME DAMN WELL ALONE!"   
  
The Fellowship stared at her in shock. Tina stomped her foot with one more enraged scream and started to walk to the other side of a very large tree. She heard soft footfalls behind her. She turned around, her eyes blazing, her teeth gritted, and her hands clenched so tightly she was almost making herself bleed.  
  
"DON'T! FOLLOW! ME!" She screeched at Legolas.  
  
"But . . ." Legolas said yet again. Tina let out an enraged scream . . .   
  
And seemed to regain her composure.  
  
"Sam?" she said, and the hobbit jumped to his feet.  
  
"May I borrow your frying pan?" she asked, and he handed it over without question. Tina thanked him, and with a swift movement brought the pan down on Legolas' head. Lórien rang with the resulting clang and Legolas dropped to the ground muttering something in Sindarin about purple ducks and rabid penguins. Tina handed Sam his pan and stomped off through Lórien, determined to get away from any and all testosterone-driven males she might encounter. 


	9. The Breaking of Tina's Sanity

Disclaimer: . . . nope, still not mine.  
  
Chapter 9  
  
The Breaking of Tina's Sanity  
  
  
Tina didn't sleep very well that night. She was too busy jumping at every random noise, terrified that one of the males in the vicinity would catch her off guard. When morning finally came she staggered down to the Silverlode with red eyes and a cup of coffee she'd filched off a random elf. The rest of the Fellowship was waiting. Tina carefully avoided Legolas, and only looked at Boromir long enough to observe that he was limping. Aragorn noticed how Tina was carefully avoiding the elf and the other man and seized the opportunity to be out-of-character.  
  
"Lady Mary-Sue. Come, you shall ride in this boat."  
  
"Uh . . . " Tina said, trying not to notice how the hobbits and dwarf seemed to be switching boats every few seconds. Should she go with Aragorn? He'd probably forget about Arwen and start hitting on her too, but if she went with Legolas, he'd probably try to hit on her again. And if she went with Boromir . . .  
  
"No, Mary-Sue! Come here!" Legolas strode up, apparently angry that Aragorn was trying to steal his lust object. He grabbed Tina's arm and started to pull her to his boat.  
  
"ACK!" Tina exclaimed as Legolas nearly pulled her off her high heels (the Galadhrim had given her new ones). The only thing that stopped her from falling was Aragorn (he had grabbed her other arm).  
  
"No, come with ME." he said, yanking on Tina's arm.  
  
"What am I, a yo-yo?" Tina yelled as Legolas and Aragorn pulled her back and forth. "Just for that, I'm going with Boromir." She pulled her hands away and stomped off to Boromir's boat. His eyes lit up.  
  
"So you admit it, you DO have feelings for-" he started to say, but Tina cut him off sharply.  
  
"Can it, you jerk. I'm only here so Aragorn and Legolas don't kill each other." she snapped, and tried not to notice how Merry and Pippin kept inexplicably switching boats.  
  
---  
  
There isn't much to do on a long boat ride down the Anduin but paddle, and that becomes boring quickly. It becomes sheer torture when your muscles start to seize up and your hands grow blisters the size of grapefruit. And that was exactly what happened to Tina.  
  
She allowed herself a break only when the Fellowship reached the Argonath, and when they did she was too stunned for a few seconds to let go of her paddle.  
  
"Ai Eru!" she gasped, staring upwards at the great pillars of the Kings, whose toes were almost as big as her. The great cliffs to her sides looked like stairs made for giants, and she felt very small as she pried her stiff and painful hands off the paddle.  
  
"They're huge . . ." Boromir said, and Tina considered nominating him for the understatement of the year award. With a pained sigh she picked up her paddle and helped Boromir steer the boat towards the shore.  
  
After all the boats had been pulled out of the water, Tina sat in the sand flexing her stiff fingers. She didn't fancy the idea of having her head lopped off by an Uruk-hai, and she needed full use of her hands to wield her sword. Half an hour past silently, and Tina looked up to see that Frodo and Boromir had both disappeared. No one had noticed, so she poked Sam.  
  
"Hey, where's Frodo?" she asked, and Sam predictably panicked. The Fellowship scattered to look for him and Tina wondered what to do with herself. She trailed after Gimli for a while, but hung back from the Fellowship. Maybe she should climb a tree. Yeah, she might be safe there. Did Uruk-hai climb trees?  
  
Frodo suddenly appeared in the air out of nowhere and landed in front of Tina with a flump. Before he could get his bearings, Tina turned tail and fled.  
  
-"Frodo!" Alinagawathawen said as the hobbit appeared. "Where were you?"- Said the voice in Tina's head. The Author went on and on, prompting Tina to do Aragorn's job. Tina stayed where she was as Frodo stood there like an idiot. Maybe if she waited here long enough, Aragorn would actually do his job . . .   
  
"Mary-Sue!" Frodo suddenly cried joyously, and Tina cringed. He'd found her.  
  
"Uh . . . " she said as the hobbit ran up, grinning from pointy ear to pointy ear. She sighed sadly - oh this WAS a disgrace. Just looking at this cardboard cutout version of the real Frodo made her angry. How a brave and stoic character like Frodo who she admired so much could be reduced to a simpering Sue'd up fool so completely was depressing beyond belief. What she wouldn't have given to see those beautiful eyes clear . . .  
  
But Frodo was babbling about how he was scared of Boromir and didn't know what to do, and Tina bit her lip.  
  
"Um . . . talk to Aragorn." She said, and ran off before Frodo could insist he needed HER help. She could only hope they would start acting like themselves while she was gone. She wondered if she should turn back and watch, just to make sure things went right, when she heard a sharp whistling and an arrow buried itself in a tree right in front of her nose with a "THUNK".  
  
"AAUGH!" Tina screamed, and yanked her sword out as more arrows started to rain down around her. Hideous faces were leering at her from every direction! An orc took a swing at her with his curved blade and she ducked just in time. She crawled away as the orc yanked his blade out of the tree she'd been standing against and started to run. The orcs jeered and followed her as Tina tried hard not to trip in her high heels. She thought she could hear the voices of some of the Fellowship when suddenly a particularly nasty looking orc popped up in front of her. Tina screamed and slashed wildly with her sword, and off went the orc's head. The other orcs suddenly decided they didn't want to deal with Tina and started to scatter. Tina blinked. That hadn't been hard, she thought, when suddenly she got a good look at the orc she'd decapitated. To her horror, it was Lurtz.  
  
"OH GOD NO!" She moaned, but Pippin and Merry suddenly started to shout and Tina dived for cover, just as Boromir appeared to valiantly save them.  
  
-Alinagawathawen stabbed an orc, and it fell dead. Many others suffered the same fate. Suddenly an orc grabbed Merry, and she chopped his head off with a single blow . . .-  
  
"Nope, nothing doing." Tina muttered to herself.   
  
But Boromir was doing too good a job being a hero. None of the other orcs had bows, and dead bodies were piling up. Apparently, the Author planned to spare Boromir and save Pippin and Merry.  
  
"Oh no, oh no, oh no. . ." Tina moaned. She knew what she had to do, but she didn't want to do it. But Boromir decapitated another orc, and she realized there wasn't any other way. And Lurtz's body was close by . . .  
  
Tina quietly slipped up to the dead Uruk-hai and picked up his bow and a handful of his arrows. She crept behind a tree and put three arrows in the bow at once. She could feel her Mary-Sue induced weapons mastery at work as she slowly pulled the bow back. Boromir turned to maul another orc. It was now or never. With a silent apology, Tina let go.  
  
Each arrow landed squarely in Boromir's chest.  
  
The orcs seized Pippin and Merry and dragged them off. Boromir fell to his knees and Aragorn appeared without warning. He looked around with a confused expression for the orc he was supposed to kill and spotted Boromir, lying on the ground. Legolas and Gimli appeared and looked around for Tina, but she wasn't there. She wasn't even in her hiding spot anymore.  
  
Tina fled as soon as the arrows left the bow. Mary-Sues never missed, and there was something else she wanted to see. She ran to the boats and hid herself in a conveniently placed bush.  
  
Frodo was standing there, holding the Ring, and for once his eyes were not glassy or clouded over. Tina wasn't supposed to be here. She was supposed to be listening to Boromir's dying speech. The Author wasn't even paying attention to Frodo and Sam - and Tina certainly wasn't going to miss an opportunity to see an un 'Sued Frodo.  
  
For a long while he stood there, holding the Ring, and Tina watched. With her sensitive elf ears she could hear Sam coming, when Frodo snapped his hand shut and deposited the Ring in his pocket. He hopped into the boat and Tina quietly hummed "the Breaking of the Fellowship". Sam appeared and made a loyal fool of himself, and the two hobbits continued to the opposite bank. Tina could feel tears welling up in her eyes, and she wiped them away. She would miss the two hobbits, especially Frodo. But at least he was beyond the influence of the Author now. She could be thankful for that.  
  
Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn didn't take long to appear after that. Tina walked calmly out of her hiding place and joined them as Legolas pushed a boat into the water.  
  
-"They must go alone, this is something Frodo has to do on his own, Legaols." Alinagawathawen stated and Legolas pulled the boat back.-  
  
"Ah, let 'em go." Tina said, trying not to let Legolas see she was doing her best to see all that she could of Frodo before he was completely out of site.  
  
"The Fellowship has failed!" Gimli said. It sounded rather random to Tina.  
  
"No Gimli, for Pippin and Merry still need our help. We shall save them!" Aragorn said. "Come Legolas, Gimli, Mary-Sue, we'll hunt orc."  
  
"What? No!" Tina yelled. "I don't wanna be a hunter! There's only supposed to be three!"  
  
"But you must come, Mary-Sue." Legolas said, grabbing Tina's hand. She pulled it away.  
  
"I don't wanna!" she whined.  
  
It was futile to protest, but Tina never missed an opportunity to make a pain in the ass of herself in the hope that her whining might bring any of the characters out of the evil spell the Author had placed over them. Besides, she was just really sick of messing up all the numerical symbolism in the story. In the end, the un-canonical Four Hunters set off with Legolas and Aragorn literally dragging Tina through the woods while she jammed her heels into the soil and fired curses at them all the way.  
  
Meanwhile, Boromir somehow miraculously came back to life, pushed one of the elf-boats into the water, lay down in it with his sword, and went over the falls. Tina's very pissed off voice rang through the woods and a passing fox sniffed at some very odd tracks that wound across the soil. The fox turned a lovely shade of green and passed out after getting a noseful of Tina's sickeningly sweet Mary-Sue scent, and the rest of the animals made a point of it to stay far away from the small trenches caused by some very durable high heels. 


	10. Rocks and Tapdancing Coffee

A/N: TTT aint mine either. And MOVIE FARAMIR MUST DIEEE! *hisses and waves little BOOKVERSE FARAMIR! flags*  
  
  
Chapter 10:  
  
A Lot of Really Big Rocks and Trees and Other Stuff  
  
  
"They must have caught our scent! Hurry!" Aragorn cried, jumping up from the ground.  
  
"Come, Gimli!" Legolas called to the dwarf as he ran lightly across the rocks after the Ranger.  
  
"Three days and nights pursuit! No food, no rest, no sign of our quarry but what bare rock can tell!" Gimli grunted, puffing as he used his axe as a cane to help himself after the Elf.  
  
Tina always wondered why Gimli was the one whining. Sure he'd mentioned he could've used rest a time or two in the book, but was making him complain so much really necessary? Oh who cared . . . it didn't matter anymore. She herself was past either point. She would have gladly thrown herself onto the rocks and fallen asleep then and there, except that the last time she'd done that Legolas had attempted to carry her. And there was no way in hell she was going to stand for that.  
  
With a groan Tina limped on after the Three Hunters (she still refused to count herself as one of them), ignoring the feeling of hunger and fatigue-induced dizziness that had been intruding on her Suvian abilities for the past two days. She concentrated only on keeping her feet moving. On she staggered after the Man, Elf, and Dwarf, too far gone to even notice the loveliness of Middle-Earth around her, and by now secure in the knowledge that she was now in the Two Towers movie-verse Lord of the Rings.  
  
'Of all the times for the stupid Author to get the time spans right, why did it have to be now?' Tina wondered, stumbling along after Gimli. Her high heels impeded her tremendously, and she wondered what would happen if she sprained her ankle, or fell over the edge of the cliff across which she was running. Maybe that would be a good thing, Tina reflected. If she died, she wouldn't have to worry about being a Mary Sue anymore . . .  
  
Abruptly there was a shift in scenery. Tina and the Hunters went from along side a high, rocky cliff to a small depression next to a large rock face on a wide plain. Tina blinked, wondering where the nice view had gone for a moment. Aragorn's voice brought her back to the present.  
  
"Not idly do the brooches of Lorien fall."  
  
Tina made a loud gagging noise in the back of her throat.  
  
"Merry and Pippin must still be alive then!" Aragorn ignored Tina and continued examining the leaf-shaped pin in his dirty hand. Gimli suddenly tumbled down the hill behind her, firmly establishing himself as the movie's comic relief. Tina wondered how she'd gotten in front of the dwarf when she'd been lagging behind him for the past three days, but didn't have enough energy to care much.  
  
"I'm hungry." She whined. "Is there any more lembas?"  
  
"Alas, all the food is eaten! I will hunt for you, if you do so wish, Mary Sue!" Legolas proclaimed.  
  
-"Oh no, Legilas," Alinagawathawen said, "I would not want you to hurt any animals for my sake . . ."-  
  
"Cool." Tina said, grinning wickedly. "Can you find me a nice big cow? Oh, and when you're cooking it, I like my steak medium rare. And I want a hamburger too. With a really good, thick bun, but no sesame seeds. For every sesame seed I find, I shall kill you."  
  
Legolas blinked.  
  
" . . . and I want onions," Tina continued, "and cheese, And ketchup! The good kind, not the economy kind. With big chunks of tomato. I like that. And no pickles! Oh Eru help you if I find pickles!"  
  
"Er . . . I shall see what I can do, Lady." Legolas said, looking slightly confused, but a bit less dazed than normal. Tina smirked happily over her victory, but all that talk of hamburgers and chunky ketchup had really gotten her hungry. She could only hope the Fellowship would make their way to Edoras soon. Maybe they'd even have coffee at Edoras! The thought brought a smile to Tina's perfect face. In this screwed up version of Middle-earth, who knew?  
  
Another night of running passed. Visions of floating hamburgers and tap-dancing cups of coffee pranced about in Tina's head. Why they coffee was tap-dancing, she had no idea. It may have had something to do with not sleeping for four nights. Tina really could have used some of that tap-dancing coffee to be real.  
  
The night passed. As the Hunters paused at the border of Rohan, Tina collapsed, glad for a moment of rest.  
  
"There is some evil in Rohan. A shadow hangs over the plains." Aragorn said. We shall have to assume that had she not been fast asleep on the grass, Tina would have objected to the Ranger's mussed lines. For sleeping, as unlikely as it may seem, was exactly what Tina was doing.  
  
"Mary Sue? Mary Sue!" Legolas called to her. When she did not rise he rushed over and began to shake her shoulder.  
  
"What is wrong?" Aragorn asked, rushing over as well.  
  
"Some evil has befallen Mary Sue!" Legolas wailed.  
  
"She does not appear wounded . . ." Aragorn said, and, just to make sure, began patting Tina down. In a way that no engaged man should pat a woman other than his fiancé.  
  
"Oh Mary Sue, please get up!" Legolas cried despondently, in a much Un-Legolas-like way.   
  
"Don' wanna." Tina muttered. "I like it here. Go 'way."  
  
"She's alive!" Legolas cried joyously, cradling Tina in his arms. She moaned and slapped at him with frail Mary Sue hands, but the elf prince took no notice. "My love, you must get up!" Tina ignored (or did not hear) his pleas and gave a loud, yet amazingly delicate and proper-sounding, snore.  
  
"She is tired. I shall carry her through Rohan!" Legolas said heroically, and started to lift Tina up. Her oddly colored eyes promptly snapped open.  
  
"HEY! Don't even TRY it, Nancy!" Tina shrieked as Legolas' words intruded upon her sleepy brain. "You carry me through Rohan over my dead body!"  
  
"Alas, I am consumed with sorrow at the image!" Legolas lamented.  
  
"Oh shaddup and start nancing." Tina snapped as the elf set her down. Legolas and Aragorn obediently made their way into Rohan, and Gimli, who had been forgotten for the past few paragraphs, randomly re-appeared and scampered after them.  
  
"Just . . . keep . . . breathing!" he puffed, and Tina echoed his words as she fell properly and un-Sueishly behind. 


	11. A Pitiful Attempt at Cliffhangering

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the clothes on my back. And in my closet. And most of the stuff in my bedroom.  
  
Oh yes, and I might as well say this now before I forget. Just Call me Mary Sue takes place, for plot purposes, after all three of the Lord of the Rings movies have come out in theaters. Which is why Tina is utterly unsurprised at all of the un-book-canon in TTT movieverse. I never said she had to like it, though. . .  
  
  
Chapter 11  
  
A Pitiful Attempt at Cliffhanger-ing.  
  
  
Legolas stopped running and shaded his eyes with his slender hand as he looked into the sky.  
  
"A red sun . . ." he mused. "Blood has been shed this night."  
  
"AAAUGH! MY GODDAM FRIGGIN' ANKLE! AAAAUGH!"  
  
The elf jumped in surprise, managing to look rather flustered and un-elvishly ungraceful for a moment. Behind him, Tina hopped on one foot, clutching her injured ankle in her hands as she spat a volley of curses that made the Elf, Man, and Dwarf observing her blush. She flopped over onto the grass, writhing like a fish out of water and still screaming like a banshee.  
  
So much for Elvish grace and dignity.  
  
"Mary Sue, you are injured!" Legolas cried, rushing to Tina's aid as the Author took hold of his wits. Tina firmly bit her lip to stop herself from screaming from her pain and sheer fury at Legolas' immense case of OOC. She snarled at the glassy-eyed elf as she prodded her ankle and winced.  
  
"Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Tell Sherlock here what he's won!" she grunted sarcastically through her lip as she examined her foot. Her high heels had finally erred on the Rohirric plains, and Tina's ankle was rapidly swelling to the size and color of an eggplant.  
  
"Sprained ankle," Aragorn concurred as he examined Tina's injury. "It is a shame I have no Athlas to heal it with."  
  
Tina groaned, not only with pain and anger at Aragorn's clear misspelling (she didn't even want to think about him suggesting using athelas on a sprained ankle), but also with dismay. Sure, she'd pretty much been sure that her ankle was sprained. But it felt much worse now that she had to admit it. She'd sprained her ankle once before, and it hadn't even been pleasant when she had painkiller. If she somehow managed to survive a quest in Middle-earth despite her handicap long enough for it to heal, she wouldn't be able to put any weight on her foot for days afterwards, which was a very disturbing feeling.   
  
Not to mention that unless she wanted to be left to what was most likely death on the Rohirric plains, one of the Hunters would HAVE to carry her.  
  
And she knew very well who it would be.  
  
"Do not worry, my beloved, I shall carry you to Theoden's hall." Legolas said, picking Tina up and cradling her in his arms. Tina reflected that it would be nice not to have to walk, but it was a lousy deal trading it for a sore ankle. Plus, while Suvian Legolas was at least a gentleman, she didn't fancy the fact that his hands were uncomfortably close to her rear. However it was utterly useless to protest, so Tina contented herself by mutinously glaring at the Elf and refusing to put her arms around is neck (as a proper 'Sue no doubt would have).   
And another thing, why was Legolas talking about going to Theoden's hall NOW? They hadn't even met the Rohirrim yet. Was this part of the Author's plan? If so, it was an utterly stupid one. Tina was dead weight now, just something holding the Hunters back from finding Merry and Pippin. In real Middle-earth, such a delay would have-  
  
Without warning the ground beneath the Hunters rolled like the sea, and Tina tumbled out of Legolas' arms. Her injured foot smacked against the ground, and she screamed with agony as a deep rumbling that seemed to emanate from the earth itself rang in her ears-  
  
Suddenly it stopped. Tina sobbed and cursed brokenly, her ankle throbbing so severely after the shock from the canon ripple that she couldn't observe much else.   
Then . . .  
  
"What . . .Gimli? Why are we not in the Undying Lands?" Someone sputtered.  
  
Tina looked up, eyes wide with surprise. Legolas was leering at her with an expression of mingled suspicion and shock. Behind him stood Aragorn, looking around and blinking confusedly. Legolas abruptly glanced from Tina back to Aragorn, his mouth hanging open.  
  
"Aragorn . . ." he said, his voice breaking. "You . . . you're alive!"  
  
"It would seem that way . . ." said Aragorn, still staring about in a shell-shocked manner.  
  
"What . . . how . . . where . . ." Gimli was saying, when it dawned on Tina. The Author must not have sprained her ankle . . . that was merely clumsiness on her part (which made her feel rather stupid to admit). Consequentially Canon had snapped back into place as the Author's plans were interrupted. Then these proud (albeit confused) beings were the REAL Three Hunters!  
  
"They're UNSUED!" Tina shrieked joyfully. "YES!"  
  
The Hunters jumped skittishly and stared at Tina. But this time it was not in the dull, cloudy-eyed way in which they usually looked at her; instead confusion and suspicion battled in their expressions, which suddenly gave way to recognition, which changed smoothly into utter and abject horror.  
  
"ANOTHER ONE!" the Hunters screamed, instantly snatching their various pointy objects and preparing to use them upon the hapless girl.  
  
"WAIT! NO! YOU'VE GOT IT WRONG!" Tina screamed as Legolas bent his bow and Aragorn and Gimli began to swing their sword and axe . . .  
  
---  
  
A/N: *blink blink* Wow! I'm evil! ^_^   
Okay, so actually I'm just trying to milk the Two Towers material for all it's worth. Plus I've never really had an opportunity for such a cliffhanger before. Therefore, you shall all just have to suffer until I feel obliged to put up the next chapter. NEHAHAHAHA! *skips merrily off to hide in the Random Bomb Shelter© from psychicsaphie* 


	12. There is No Way I'm Riding THAT!

A/N: I own Silverhooves. Maybe after I'm done using her to make fun of 'Sues, I'll release her from the Suvian spell that keeps her kind alive in M-E and give her a new name. But then again, I'm more of a dragon person, so maybe I'll give her to a nice reviewer who promises to take very good care of her as a gift . . .  
And I own Tina too.  
  
Chapter 12:  
  
  
There is no way I'm riding THAT!  
  
  
Tina screamed and threw herself on the ground, narrowly avoiding Gimli's axe. She scrambled to the side and yanked her leg out of the way just as Anduril pierced the ground where her thigh had previously been. The characters were weaving slightly at the shock of having been snapped back into canon so suddenly, and thus had not quite recovered their full proper skills. Tina was lucky; if it had not been thus, she would have died immediately.  
  
Legolas was aiming an arrow, but with all the flailing around Tina, Aragorn, and Gimli were doing he couldn't risk a shot. Tina rolled over to avoid another swipe of Gimli's axe, right into something hard. Quick as lighting, a strong arm wrapped painfully around her neck, and a sword was pressed up against her jugular. In her haste to get away, she had rolled directly into Aragorn.  
  
Tina stared up into the face of the Ranger, eyes wide with horror and her voice cut off by the powerful arm painfully constricting her neck. She attempted to scream, but all that came out was a breathy, lifeless squeak. The arm around her neck tightened and she gagged. She struggled wildly, but Tina was no proper Mary Sue, and against Aragorn's strength she had no power. Aragorn pulled her arms behind her and arched her back so that her vulnerable chest was an easy target, and Tina stared in horror as above her Legolas pulled an arrow back and aimed it directly at her heart.  
  
Time slowed down.   
  
Tina could hear her heart beating frantically against her ribcage, as if it were trying to escape and avoid the arrow that was going to pierce it in a fraction of a second. Tina's life began to flash before her eyes, and had she not been close enough to death to shake it's hand and ask it if it wanted a cup of tea, she would have probably marveled that such a phenomenon really did happen. She saw herself playing with her sister when they were both very young, saw herself receiving The Hobbit for Christmas, saw herself drinking her first cup of coffee. She saw the picture her parents had insisted on having taken last Christmas, with all of her family together. Her mother, a lawyer, a sharp, intelligent woman, the family breadwinner, her arm around the waist of Tina's father, a journalist with a talent for satire. Her preppy sister, grinning with pride in her new short skirt and high heels, her perfect brother, smiling his perfect smile, and in the very center, her - Tina, not Mary Sue, not Alinagawathawen, Tina. The middle child, the misfit, the family weirdo who, nevertheless, was loved by the smiling family standing around her.  
  
She would probably never see them again.  
  
Her pulse thudded in her ears. Legolas began to release his hold on the arrow. Tina squinted her eyes shut. She would die as Mary Sue, in a world that wasn't her own, away from the people who loved her the most, and no one would ever know what had happened to her. She didn't want to see her own end.  
  
Legolas let go.  
  
Suddenly the ground shook madly, and the arrow was diverted harmlessly off to the side, where it bounced off a rock and landed in the grass. The Hunters were thrown through the air and Aragorn released his hold on Tina, who threw herself away and tumbled across the rolling ground. The loud rumble of the second canon ripple slowly died away, and Tina lay on the ground as it stilled it's erratic waves. She was hyperventilating, gasping for air, her heart racing. Her lower lip quivered, and tears of shock at her brush with death threatened to spill over her flawless cheeks. Nevertheless, the screaming pain in her ankle, the wild beating of her heart, and the feel of the blessed, solid ground reminded her of one divine fact;  
  
She was alive.  
  
But for how long?  
  
Slowly she peered behind her at the dazed Hunters, slowly rising to their feet. Legolas spotted her and started to move in her direction, and Tina froze like a deer in headlights. He was holding an arrow. When he was three feet away from her, he stopped, staring at her, and Tina stared back . . .  
  
Into glassy blue eyes.  
  
"Mary Sue? Why are you laying on the ground?" Legolas asked, and Tina sighed with audible relief. Just this once, she'd abandon her horror at seeing Legolas influenced by a Mary Sue author in the face of her undeniable relief at still being alive.  
  
Then the rumbling started up again.  
  
"No!" Tina screamed, before she realized that the pounding in her ears was not from a continued canon ripple, but from the sound of hundreds of horse hooves.   
  
"Rohirrim!" she cried.  
  
"What?" Legolas asked politely.  
  
"Hide!" Aragorn shouted, springing up and rushing into a space formed between two rocks. Legolas hoisted Tina over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and carried her after Aragorn. Tina objected loudly to the uncomfortable treatment, but no one heard her. Instead Aragorn sauntered out, watched as the Riders went past, raised a dirty hand to his mouth and called;  
  
"Rohans!"  
  
"ROHIRRIM!" Tina shrieked. Near brush with death or not, mis-naming the Rohirrim should not go uncorrected.  
  
Instantly the riders checked their steeds and circled the Hunters and 'Sue. Aragorn beckoned Legolas and Gimli out, and Tina clung to Legolas' back in order to keep her weight off her ankle as the Riders closed in. The Rohirrim lowered their spears to the four, and parted slightly to make way for a Rider coming towards them. Tina gulped noisily and stared at the rider, eyes wide, all her thoughts consumed by a single, overpowering, undeniable fact:  
  
Éomer was really, really, REALLY hot.  
  
"What business do Elves, Men, and Dwarves have in the Rider Mark? Speak quickly!"  
  
"We track a band -" Aragorn started to say, but Éomer suddenly gasped loudly.  
  
"I don't believe it!" he said as he jumped off his horse. To Tina's horror, he grabbed her hand, pushed Legolas aside, and cried "Mary Sue!"  
  
With a squawk Tina collapsed onto her bad ankle as her Elvish support was pushed away.  
  
"See here!" Gimli growled, advancing upon Éomer. "Mary Sue is with us!"  
  
'Since when has he defended me in this 'fic?' Tina wondered, knitting her brows. Éomer glared at the Dwarf.  
  
"I would cut off your head if you were taller, Dwarf!" he snarled, and Tina twitched.  
  
"You would die before he fell!" Legolas shouted, aiming an arrow at Éomer.  
  
"Are the lines really THAT HARD to get right?!" Tina shouted from the ground. "ARE THEY? And you're supposed to be fighting over Galadriel! GA-LA-DRI-EL! Darn you, Peter Jackson!"  
  
"Mary Sue! Where have you been?" Éomer cried suddenly, remembering that Tina was on the ground. He stooped to her eye level.  
  
"Somewhere that's not here," Tina said, trying to ignore Éomer's smashing ruggedness. "Go 'way."  
  
To her surprise, Éomer suddenly embraced her.  
  
-Ayomer wrapped his arms around Alinagawathawen in a friendly hug . . .-  
  
'Friendly my arse!' Tina thought, pushing the Rohirric man away.  
  
"You know this man?" Legolas asked, glaring suspiciously at Éomer.  
  
-"Yes he was like a brother to me" said Alinagwathawen "I grew up with him and his sister in Rohan, their father king Thaoden raised me . . ."-  
  
"Ye gods!" Tina yelped angrily at discovering another element of her Suvian past.  
  
"Father worried so about you when you left!" Éomer babbled on. "He will be so glad to know you have returned! And with the Fellowship of the Ring, no less!"  
  
Éomer, suddenly all too willing to receive the Three Hunters, rose and smiled at them. Tina looked around for something hard to bash her head against and dull the pain.  
  
"You're not supposed to KNOW THEM YET!" she shrieked. "You're supposed to wait until they ask if you've seen hobbits, and then you're -"  
  
She stopped suddenly. What was she doing?  
  
Well, she answered herself, I'm trying to un-Sue him, of course.  
  
Ah, said a little voice that was not the Author in the back of her head, But remember what happened last time you tried to un-Sue a character?  
  
Tina paused in sudden doubt, remembering the horror and fury in the eyes of the Hunters once they were released from Suedom. If she freed the characters, she ran the risk of being killed. But she couldn't sit back and let them be 'Sued, nor could she play along with the story; the things the Author wanted her to do were quite beyond her abilities and rather hazardous to her health (and, at times, dignity).  
  
Well this was a tight spot indeed.  
  
While Tina pondered the perils of reviving the wits of the canon characters, Éomer had called forth horses for the hunters. Instantly Aragorn and Legolas both looked at Tina, who stared at them out of the corner of her eyes.  
  
"I'm not riding with you." she said to Aragorn. Legolas visibly brightened. "Or you," she added to him. "How about giving me a horse?" she asked Éomer, quite willing to just this once break canon and take a third horse off his hands. Éomer looked at her quizzically.   
  
He looked really hot when he was quizzical.  
  
"Why? You can just call your own steed," he said, and Tina blinked.  
  
"Are you nuts?" she asked. "What am I, a horse caller?"  
  
"You have a steed?" Legolas asked.  
  
-'Yes,' said Alinagawathawen 'I did not call her bcause it was notf air of me to ride when you were all on foot . . .'-  
  
Tina promptly rolled her eyes and tried to stand. A sudden pain in her ankle reminded her that although she had conveniently forgotten it, she was injured.  
  
"I can't ride anyway," she said. "My ankle is busted." She herself had no idea as to a remedy to this situation, and she was beginning to worry.  
  
"But that is no problem for your Silverhooves!" Éomer exclaimed, chuckling.  
  
"Silver . . . excuse me, Silverhooves?" Tina retched. "What kind of an Erudamned name is Silverhooves? Who in their right mind would name a horse Silverhooves?" That was an even worse name than Alinagawathawen!  
  
"But Silverhooves is no horse!" Éomer said, looking surprised.  
  
"Oh," Tina scoffed. "What is she then? A rabid penguin? A pink fluffy bunny? A winged freakin' unicorn?"  
  
-Alinagwathawn stod and whistled and-  
  
'Nothing doing,' Tina thought. "Stupid Author can kiss my arse."  
  
But of course, the Author had no intention of doing so. Instead, S/he/it parted the Rohirrim. Tina looked past them warily.  
  
Over a conveniently placed hill came a shining creature, a bright, clean white that would have made snow look gray, had there been any snow to compare it to. It drew closer, and it's light slowly dimmed. It stopped in front of Tina, and she stared at its powerful alabaster flanks, its long legs and silvery hooves, its long, ornately curled mane and tail, it's liquid blue eyes, and - Tina drew breath - the long, winding golden horn twining from it's forehead.  
  
"That is Silverhooves?" Legolas breathed, gazing raptly at the shining, uncanonical unicorn. "She is beautiful . . ."   
  
Tina only glowered at the creature's dull, glassy eyes and the sheer uncanon of it all.  
  
"There is no way I'm riding that!" 


	13. A Unicorn Named Bob

Disclaimer: Not mine. Except for Tina. And Bob.  
  
Chapter 13  
  
A Unicorn Named Bob  
"A unicorn!" Legolas whispered reverently, gazing at the shining white beast. "Long have I desired to see one. There are none in Rivendell, my home."  
  
"You don't live in Rivendell!" Tina wailed, at the end of her figurative rope. "And for the last time, I can't ride that . . . that . . . horsey-thing!" Tina blinked, and wondered what in Middle-earth had caused her to call the unicorn a "horsey-thing".   
  
Éomer blinked ponderously. "But this is Silverhooves, your faithful steed! You have always ridden her."  
  
"HELLO!" Tina shouted, and the dazed Rohirrim jumped. "MY ANKLE IS SPRAINED! I can't ride anything at all!"  
  
"Are you . . . feeling all right, Mary-Sue?" Éomer asked.  
  
"NO! MY ANKLE IS SPRAINED!"  
  
"Silverhooves will fix that." Éomer said calmly, and the unicorn started to move towards Tina.  
  
"What, does the thing carry a first aid-" Tina cut herself off as Silverhooves began to lower her golden horn to Tina's ankle. "Oh. Right."  
  
The unicorn placed the tip of her horn on Tina's swollen ankle. There was a brief moment of pain as the horn pierced through the tender flesh, but a sudden wave of a blessed tingling feeling that could only be described as "healing" spread throughout Tina's foot and up to her mid-calf. It felt nice, and had such a lovely calming effect upon Tina's poor harassed psyche. Suddenly, she didn't feel quite so tired anymore. In fact . . . she felt pretty darn good.  
  
"Maybe unicorns aren't so bad . . ." Tina murmured, standing slowly up and looking sympathetically into Silverhooves' glassy eyes. Éomer beamed and turned back to the Hunters. They began to talk in a semi-canonical way, and Tina patted Silverhooves on the muzzle.  
  
"If I get out of this alive," she muttered. "I'll have to do something about you."  
  
Silverhooves merely snuffled in reply and looked at her dully. Tina wrinkled her nose.  
  
"In the meantime, you need a new name. There's no way in Middle-earth I'm calling you Silverhooves." Tina pursed her full lips in thought. Names really were sacred things, in her opinion. You couldn't just GIVE someone (or something) a random name. It had to be a name that suited them perfectly, a name that would help to identify them as the individual they were, a name that fit that person utterly . . .  
  
"How about Bob?"  
  
The unicorn made no reply, so Tina shrugged. Bob it was.  
  
"Look for your friends, but do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands." Éomer said. "Farewell, Mary Sue. I shall see you at my father's hall."  
  
"No you won't!" Tina yelled as the Rohirrim departed.  
  
---  
  
Tina had never ridden a horse in her life, unless you counted riding carnival ponies that went in a circle when she was six. Somehow, she didn't think carnival ponies compared well against a unicorn.  
  
Mounting took some effort, as Bob had neither reins nor a saddle. Eventually Tina was able to pull the unicorn over to a rock which allowed her a suitable step to climb aboard Bob's back. She wasn't entirely sure how she was going to manage to stay on once they were on the move. Bareback riding may have been easy for real elves, but Tina was no real elf. And the carnival ponies had had saddles.  
  
Riding Bob, however, turned out to be much easier than Tina expected.  
  
After her initial moment of terror at finding herself moving, Tina was amazed at the fluidity of Bob's strides. The unicorn almost seemed to float across the rough ground, and if any rock jarred her, it certainly didn't reach her rider. Tina was enthralled by the absolute grace of the beautiful creature. Slowly she relaxed her legs from their tight pressure against the unicorn's belly and loosened her hands from Bob's mane. She could remember now why she had always wanted a pony so badly when she was younger, and it brought back a rush of memories that left her positively soggy with nostalgia. She and her sister had both gone through a unicorn craze together when Tina was nine. What either of those bright-eyed youngsters would have given to partake of this enchanted ride . . .   
  
Tina's breath quickened as she felt the simple joy of the smooth run of the unicorn. For a blessed moment, she could forget that she was constantly being lusted after, that she was on her way to a large pile of burned Orc corpses, even that she was trapped in a massacred version of Middle-earth in the joy that came from riding Bob. If she DID get out of this, she'd owe the unicorn big time for this ride alone.  
  
Unfortunately, the ride was infinitely short. It took perhaps fifteen minutes to reach the pyre, and Tina felt quite cheated. Nevertheless she dismounted as the Hunters stopped (it would not do to tire Bob out by remaining on her back all the time), covered her ears as Aragorn screamed, and began to amuse herself by spitting on the steaming corpses and watching her saliva evaporate. It was quite easy to forget that these had once been living breathing orcs due to the gratuitous smell of burning rubber emanating from the pyre. And perhaps that look of disgust on Legolas' pretty face was not entirely from the smell . . .  
  
-Sudenly Aragorn looked up wonderingly . . .-  
  
Tina looked up too, but only because Aragorn was nicer to look at than dead orcs.  
  
"I know what happened to them . . ." he said, and started walking. "A hobbit lay there," he pointed at a spot on the ground. "He cut his bonds . . . and ran into the forest." He made no moves to closely check the ground. Tina glared. What did the Author think? That Aragorn was psychic or something?  
  
"Fangorn! What madness drove they there?" Gimli wondered.  
  
"Bad grammar?" Tina suggested.  
  
"We must follow them. Come!" Aragorn cried, dashing towards Fangorn.  
  
"Uh . . . shouldn't you tie up the horses?" Tina called. Aragorn stopped and looked blankly at the mounts.  
  
"Yes . . . yes, we should tie them. Gimli, tie the horses." he said slowly. Tina rolled her eyes.  
  
"Stupid Author," she muttered as she tied Bob securely to a tree (even with a unicorn you couldn't be too careful) and followed the Three Hunters into the dark, forbidding place that was Fangorn Forest. 


	14. Fangorn is Bad for the Sinuses

A/N: I know, I know. The trees wouldn't say "wench". They've been hanging around me too much. Are you satisfied now?  
  
I don't own anything. But my birthday's coming up, so if the Tolkien Estate feels like giving me the birthday present of a lifetime . . .  
  
Chapter 14  
  
Fangorn is Bad for the Sinuses  
Tina could feel the difference the moment she passed the first gnarled tree. The air inside Fangorn Forest had a different quality than that of the Rohirric plains - it was heavier, stuffier, darker, and it smelled of leaf mold.  
  
Tina was allergic to leaf mold.  
  
But it wasn't just the air or the allergies that bothered her the most. As soon as she stepped past the threshold of the forest, the trees started to whisper. And, being an elf, she heard everything they were saying.  
  
//It comes! An evil one!// said a "voice". The trees stirred slightly in response, rustling their leaves in agitation.  
  
"Pheh. What, is it bad enough to make me break a nail?" Tina scoffed. These trees were SO 'Sued.  
  
. . . weren't they?  
  
//The doom of Arda approaches!//  
  
Tina bit her lower lip. Did Suvians know the word Arda?   
  
She was getting nervous now. The Trees of Fangorn were dangerous when they put their minds to it, and if there was something nearby that they were afraid of . . . well, she didn't think she wanted to be around when it came. But there shouldn't be anything TOO bad nearby, right? It wouldn't be canonical, right? The only thing the trees really had to worry about was Saruman, and he was off brewing up Uruk-hai . . .  
  
Right?  
  
"What is it?" Tina whispered to the tree next to her. Couldn't hurt to know if the Author had something uncanonical in store for her, after all.  
  
//An interloper . . ..//  
  
//Evil . . . //  
  
"Could you possibly be more specific?" Tina snapped, glancing at Legolas, who was oblivious and arguing with Aragorn. She sneezed into her hand and wiped it on the seat of her dress.  
  
The tree rustled it's leaves in what Tina perceived as an irritated manner.  
  
"Tell me!" Tina hissed, wiping her nose on her flowy sleeve. Stupid allergies . . .  
  
//It's here!//  
  
//It speaks to us . . .//  
  
//Evil!//  
  
//The Elves' Bane!//  
  
Oh. Apparently, the trees WEREN'T 'Sued.  
  
"Hey! I am not evil!" Tina muttered, somewhat resentful. She wasn't miss sweetness-and-light, but she wasn't that bad. Really, she wasn't. She'd never wanted to harm Middle-earth in any way, and now these trees were calling her evil just because she'd been turned into something she already hated? It was insulting!  
  
//Begone!//  
  
//Snare her . . . grab her . . .//  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
//Twist and strangle!//  
  
//Die!//  
  
"Leave me alone!"  
  
//Evil.//  
  
"Jerk."  
  
//Wench.//  
  
Tina blinked.  
  
Unbeknownst to the unwilling 'Sue, too busy bickering with the trees to pay much attention to the Hunters, she was being closely monitored by a very out-of-it man and elf.  
  
"Aragorn, you are staring at Mary Sue." Legolas stated, rather coldly, in Elvish. Instead of discussing the trees (which were too busy harassing Tina to be bothered with the Hunters anyway), Aragorn sighed as Tina wiped her now puffy, red, streaming eyes on a corner of her dress sleeve.  
  
"It is easy to do. She is so lovely to behold." He said wistfully as Tina sneezed all over the tree that was insulting her. Legolas glared at him out of the corner of his cloudy eyes.  
  
"She is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. Is it so with you?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Yes, she is the fairest elf ever to exist." Aragorn replied. joy to see and hear."  
  
"WHAT?! Say that to my face, you verdant punk! Oh really? Yeah, well same to you, bud! Hell yeah, I mean that! HEY! Leave my mother out of this! Why you leafy son of a . . . a . . . ACHOO!"   
  
"Have you forgotten so easily that you are not free to give your affections to another?" Legolas asked, conveniently cutting Tina off. "How easily men forget those they bestow their hearts on!"  
  
"What are you talking about?" Aragorn snapped. "I was only watching the fair Mary Sue! She is a lovely site after so much ugliness. That is all."  
  
"That had better be all," Legolas hissed. Aragorn's eyes narrowed.  
  
"Why . . . do you LIKE Mary Sue?" He asked, and it was probably the Author's good fortune that Tina was too busy telling the trees to do something physically impossible to their distant relatives to hear what Legolas and Aragorn were saying.  
  
"Maybe I do. It's none of your business." Legolas said, his face coloring slightly.  
  
"Ah, but it is easy to see why, my friend. Is she not a sight to behold?"  
  
Legolas followed Aragorn's gaze.  
  
"STUPID TREES! QUIT THREATENING ME!" Tina was yelling, kicking wildly at a particularly large root. For a moment the two stared, at a loss for words.  
  
"She . . . er . . . is incredibly graceful . . ."Aragorn finally suggested.  
  
Tina swung her high-heeled foot at the root, missed, and managed to knock herself flat on her back.  
  
"Um . . ."  
  
"Have you forgotten about Arwen?" Legolas hissed, his dull eyes narrowed with anger. "You are engaged to HER!"  
  
"Why are you suddenly so interested in that?" Aragorn snapped. "Yes, I love Arwen, but even she cannot compare to Mary Sue! She is like an angel in every aspect!"  
  
"She is mine," Legolas growled. "Stay away from her!"  
  
"OWW! Stupid root tripped me! I hope you get Dutch elm disease!"  
  
At that moment, the Author seemed to remember that Gimli existed.  
  
"These woods are evil!" the Dwarf grunted, axe in hand.  
  
"Do shid!" Tina said. "Stupid tree called bee a-"  
  
"Mary Sue!" Legolas gasped. "What happened to your beautiful voice?"  
  
"You sound as if you have a terrible affliction!" Aragorn said concernedly, placing his hand on her shoulder. Legolas glared at him.  
  
"I do 'ab a terrible afligtion. Allergies." Tina muttered. "Ah . . . ah . . . ACHOO! Oh, ew, thats disgustig!" she reached over to wipe her hand on Aragorn's shirt, but he backed away. She really didn't see why - he was already completely filthy. But he wasn't in her personal space anymore, which had been her intention. Maybe allergies weren't entirely bad.  
  
"Well . . . " Aragorn said, trying to pick up the manly thread dictated by him to the Author. "stay close to us, Mary Sue, because . . ." Legolas suddenly hushed the man, looking around suspiciously.  
  
"Cripes, his eyes are even bluer than Frodo's," Tina thought. "Weren't they brown a second ago?"  
  
"The White Wizard approaches . . ." Legolas murmured.  
  
"Draw your weapons," Aragorn ordered, severely mangling his lines. "We must be quick . . ."  
  
Tina edged behind a particularly large tree, just in case a stray bit of axe blade was going to veer off course.  
  
"NOW!" Aragorn shouted, and the three hunters promptly chucked their weapons at the Maiar who had been their teacher, guide, and ass-saver throughout the last movie.  
  
"Way to say thags," Tina muttered stuffily. Something began to shine very brightly from the other side of the tree. Tina peered around with her eyes half-lidded to see the vague form of Gandalf the White through the glow.  
  
"The white Wizard!" Aragorn shouted, crouching at the light emanating from the being.  
  
"IT'S GOD!" Tina shrieked, cackling hysterically. She paused, momentarily thoughtful. "You thig he cad cure by allergies?"  
  
---  
  
A/N: Late, I know. I usually try to get a new chapter out at the beginning of each month, but it was either wait or get a seriously crappy chapter.  
  
Anyway, if you're that starved for Sue bashing, you really ought to read Suedom, by Andy and Saphie (if you haven't read it yet). I co-wrote it with psychicsaphie. It's getting a lot more serious these days, but as far as we know, it continues to be funny. JCMMS is something of a prequel to it.  
  
And remember, the review button is your friend. *hint hint* 


	15. In which Tina does not Quite Go to Rohan...

A/N: Whoo, it's been a long time, hasn't it? Sorry about that. This chapter was absolute HELL to get out. I don't think it's one of my better ones, but hopefully you'll still enjoy it. Later ones should be better (I hope).   
  
In other news, Suedom has been kicked off FF.net, and is now being hosted by the Almighty and Most Gracious Camilla Sandman. It can be found here: http://www.misssandman.com/Suedom/index.html  
  
Onto the chapter.  
  
Chapter 15  
  
In which Tina does not Quite Go to Rohan, but Starts the Process of Getting There.  
  
It should be mentioned that about this time Tina remembered that a few chapters back, she had pushed Gandalf off a bridge and into an infinite chasm of certain peril. Her enthusiasm at his return dimmed somewhat. Would he remember? Would he be angry? Well that was a stupid question; of COURSE he would be angry. If he remembered. Which, hopefully, he wouldn't.  
  
'Maybe I can just hide here, and he won't notice me.' Tina thought, conveniently ignoring the little voice in the back of her head reminding her that eventually she'd have to re-join the group if she wanted to survive more than five minutes.  
  
"But where is Mary Sue?" Gandalf suddenly said, quite loudly, and Tina's heart skipped a beat. "I require to speak with her."  
  
'You require a grammar instructor,' Tina thought, peeking fearfully out from behind the tree. Gandalf the White, in all his shiny glory, gazed at her evenly through unfathomable gray eyes and Tina shrank before the majesty of the servant of Manwe.  
  
"Mary Sue." He said quietly, clearly Meaning Business.  
  
"Meep," Tina replied.  
  
"Thank the Valar you were not swept away by the Balrog, as was I!"  
  
Tina had an allergy attack at that very moment, which was lucky, as it prevented her from saying exactly what was running through her mind at the moment (it had something to do with the Author and the conditions of their conception).  
  
"Clearly, the air of Fangorn does not agree with our fair lady." Gandalf said, laughing gently.  
  
"Doesn't agree wif." Tina grumbled. "Doesn't agree wif, I'll give hib subthig to not agree wif . . ."  
  
"We must depart from here," Gandalf continued. "War is brewing in Rohan. We must ride to Edoras."  
  
Tina counted on her fingers for a moment before following the wizard to the borders of the forest. "'Ey, Gandaf,"  
  
"Yes?" Gandalf asked.  
  
"'ow cobe you speak in five-word sentences so mudch?"  
  
Gandalf stared at her for a moment, opened his mouth to say something, appeared to loose steam, and began walking again. Tina shrugged. It had been worth a try.  
  
Outside Fangorn, Gandalf gave a piercing whistle that spread far over the Rohirric plains and made Tina cover her ears in pain. A moment later, a horse came trotting over the hill.  
  
It was a truly magnificent beast. Its coat was such a bright white that it rivaled even Bob in terms of color. Tina didn't have to know much about horses to tell that this was an amazingly powerful animal. Muscles rippled beneath its flanks, and its eyes glittered with a distinctly un-horsey sort of intelligence. Tina stared slack-jawed at the beautiful creature as a smiling Gandalf walked towards it and gently patted it's muzzle. Faced with such a creature, there was only one thing Tina could possibly say . . .  
  
"What the Hell?! Shadowfax is supposed to be gray!"  
  
Shadowfax glanced around Gandalf at Tina, and she got her first glimpse of what a Meara* actually looks like when it's glaring. She stuck her tongue out in response, and added "Well, you ARE!" under her breath.  
  
--  
  
A/N: It's a filler, and it sucks. Sue me. The next one'll be better.  
  
I'll try to get future chapters out in a timely manner. I'm keeping them short on purpose. Chapter 16 should be ready quite soon. No, really!  
  
And I know footnotes suck(1), but  
  
*I'm not sure if Meara is the proper singular of Mearas, although I'm under the impression that it is. If it's not, feel free to correct me. In fact, I order you to do so. I want constructive criticism, dammit! I'm trying to get better here!  
  
(1) Unless you're Terry Pratchett(2), in which case your footnotes add to the quality of your work.  
  
(2) Who I am obviously not. 


	16. BLASPHEMY!

Chapter 16  
  
BLASPHEMY!!  
  
Much more riding followed, and Tina's rump was getting steadily sorer. Sure, Bob was as smooth on her feet as ever, but sitting astride a horses back for long periods of time is rarely comfortable when you've never ridden more than ten minutes before in your life. So when the Hall of Théoden rose over the horizon like, well, a rather large building rising over the horizon, she was relieved . . . and awed.  
  
Edoras was beautiful!  
  
Of course she knew this already, but it was one thing to see it on TV. It was another thing entirely to see it in person, huge and golden in the sunlight, with the wind blowing the lush grass back and forth in a smooth, swaying dance that rolled like green waves across the fields. The air carried the smell of the sweet, fresh stuff, as well as the faint scent of horses.   
  
The horse smell wasn't as pleasant as the grass. In fact, it wasn't very pleasant at all.  
  
Nevertheless, Edoras gleamed like a jewel in the distance, and Tina was glad to see it, even if she wasn't very glad to be going to it.  
  
'Raised by Théoden.' She was thinking, recalling Éomer's words as Bob galloped soundlessly after Shadowfax and Gandalf. 'Huh.' She sighed, mentally steeling herself for the tearful reunion she'd probably have to face, when a sudden thought abruptly tackled her and smacked her repeatedly on the side of the head with some unidentified blunt object, expressing, at the top if its lungs, its outrage at having been overlooked so long. In a metaphorical sense, of course.  
  
'Holy crap! If I'm Galadriel's daughter and Théoden is my father, then they . . . Oh yuck!' Tina thought, her disgust manifesting on her face where it produced a most impressive grimace involving a tic in her right eye and her mouth hanging agape with her tongue flopping about over her lips. This succeeded in nothing more than drying out her tongue and allowing a fly to lodge itself in her windpipe. The choking and cursing that resulted rather attracted a lot of attention from the rest of the riders as the group slowed down and walked their steeds towards the city gates.  
  
The Flag of Rohan, in a display of blatant symbolism, ripped off its pole and was blown through the air - right into Tina's face. She struggled for a moment, nearly falling off her unicorn as she batted the fabric into her lap so that she could look at it properly. It was a pretty piece of craftsmanship, really. Tina admired the flag as Bob ambled into the city. The white horse, caught mid-run, was sharp and stark on its green background. Tina fingered the embroidery carefully.  
  
Her mother had embroidered, she remembered. Beneath the tough, no-nonsense exterior that made her such a good lawyer, Melissa Carson was a very artistic woman. She was particularly fond of needlework. She had tried to teach her daughter embroidery once, but all that lay beneath Tina's own tough, no-nonsense exterior was a sensitive, nonsense-loving girl with no artistic talent to speak of. The embroidery lessons had been scrapped.  
  
They'd been at odds with each other lately, Melissa and Tina. It wasn't that Tina disliked her mother. They were on good terms, as teenage girls and their mothers went. Melissa wasn't an embarrassing mother and didn't do most of the things Tina usually heard her peers complaining about when discussing parental faults. It was just that lately, almost everything Melissa said to her daughter seemed to irritate her somehow. Even the things that Tina knew really shouldn't bother her at all grated terribly on her nerves. All the little corrections, the prompting to do something just a bit differently, the suggestions of easier ways to do whatever Tina was doing at the moment annoyed her so much . . .  
  
She would have given anything to be back in her home, being nagged by her mother at that very moment.  
  
Reluctantly, Tina stopped fingering the flag and brought herself back to Rohan with a sigh. She glanced up at the Rohirrim peasants lurking around the smaller buildings and hunched herself over slightly as she discovered just what it was like to be on the receiving end of a glare from hardened, suspicious, pissed-off menial workers. She glanced up away from the crowd at Edoras -  
  
And stared at Éowyn, who was glaring fiercely at her from a vantage point in the Golden Hall.   
  
Tina blinked, and Éowyn was gone again.  
  
Slightly unsettled, she directed her attention to the back of Bob's head as she dismounted and followed Gandalf up the steps. Perhaps it was her imagination, but she had been pretty sure that Éowyn had not only been looking at her, but glaring hatefully at her as well. But wasn't Éowyn under the Author's control too? As a strong female character, she was particularly attractive for being Sued. Or so Tina had thought.  
  
A voice intruded on Tina's thoughts.  
  
"Your sword, please, ma'am." A man who might have been Halbarad said, holding his hand out to Tina.  
  
"What? Oh . . ." she said, handing over the sword without fuss. Halbarad looked surprised for a moment, but took the weapon and laid it with the others. Tina ignored the Author prompting her to make a big stink about having her sword taken, but it was hard to hear her own thoughts with the words running through her head. She watched Gandalf put up a fuss about giving up his staff, and followed him to the Golden Hall.  
  
Suddenly, the Author's voice rang out in her head so loudly that Tina clamped her hands over her ears and received odd looks from the canon characters.  
  
-A/N: LOLOLOLOL!!!!- it said. The many Ls and Os repeating were very off-putting. -OMG WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ALINAGAWATHAWEN NEXT?!?!?!?! WIL SHE EVER TELL LEGOLAS SHE LOVES HIM?!?!? YOUL JUST HAVE TO READ TO FIND OUT!!!! R&R, PLEEZE!-  
  
"Ow. Author's Notes." Tina muttered, taking her hands away from her ears, only to slam them back again as yet another Author's Note began to play in her head.  
  
-A/N: I'M BAAAAACK!-  
  
'I'm overjoyed, bitch.' Tina thought.  
  
-U DIDN'T THINK I'D LEAVE U HANGING, DID U? TO ÉOWYN FANS, U WILL NOT LIKE THIS CHAPTER. I HATE ÉOWYN AND THINK SHE SUCKS, SO SHE IS NOT IN MY STORY-  
  
"WHAT?!" Tina screamed, and the canons gave a frightened little jump.  
  
-SO NO ÉOWYN, HAHA! U GET ALINAGAWATHAWEN INSTEAD, AREN'T U LUCKY!!!!! R&R PLEEZE!!!!!-  
  
The noise died down again.  
  
Now Tina was REALLY enraged. Mary Sues were one thing, but cutting out a canon character entirely?! That was another. And thinking Éowyn sucked! Why, that stupid Author would have never stood a chance against Éowyn! Tina wasn't a particularly rabid Éowyn fan, but she had a healthy respect for the Shieldmaiden and was horrified at the blatant disrespect for Rohan's White Lady. Éowyn was a strong, admirable woman. If it was a crime to feel attraction to Aragorn, then it was one that fangirls everywhere were guilty of themselves (Tina included), and as far as she knew, Aragorn had never even mentioned Arwen in Éowyn's prescense. How, then, was she to know he was taken? Tina spluttered angrily for a moment, at a complete loss for words in the face of this blasphemy, before remembering that she had actually seen Éowyn earlier.  
  
Confusion effectively calmed her down. Tina was quite sure that it was Éowyn she'd seen, but could she have been mistaken? Could the lady in white have been nothing more than a simple handmaiden of some sort whom had happened to walk outside at that moment?  
  
Anything was possible, she supposed, as someone pushed her through the doors and she followed Gandalf into the Golden Hall.  
  
--  
  
A/N: *Grumble grumble* Stupid Éowyn-bashing Sue-creating Badfic-writing soandsos, I oughta . . .  
  
*ahem*  
  
Thought I'd get this out while the getting was good. I'm also trying to flesh out Tina's character a little bit more. Keep her from being flat and dull and Sueish.  
  
Yeah.  
  
*apologizes profusely to all Éowyn fans, including herself* 


	17. How to Flirt Badly

A/N: Hey, guess what! I'm not dead! *hides from readers out for her blood*  
  
I know, I know, I'm a terrible person who does not update. Not even during the summer. Luckily, now that TTT is out on video, I promise I'll be better about updating, and do a better job of it. I think Tina's adventures have been a little dull as of late, but hopefully I can spice them up a bit now.  
  
Now onto the long-time-coming Chapter 17 =D  
  
Chapter 17  
  
How to Flirt (Badly)  
  
Tina quietly followed Gandalf into the Golden Hall. The smell of horses was just as strong inside as it was outside, but she was too busy to notice. She was still sore over the Author's little rant against Éowyn, who Tina had found very real and easy to sympathize with.  
  
"The courtesy of your hall is somewhat lessened of late," Gandalf called to the ancient-looking hulk that was Théoden at the end of the Hall. He and the Hunters continued walking towards the King, but Tina hung behind, by the guards at the door.  
  
"Hi." She said to one, whose eyes were glazed over. "I'm Tina."  
  
The guard blinked at her a few times, and went back to watching the King.  
  
"This is the part where it gets good, see, there's gonna be some ass-kicking in a moment." Tina added conversationally. "First that guy over there is going to try and attack Legolas, and Gimli's going to break his kneecaps and stomp on him some, and Gandalf's going to get really shiny and free Théoden." She paused. "Got any pea soup?"  
  
The guard stared at the King.  
  
"Just wondering. It'd tie in with the exorcism thing."  
  
The guard said nothing.  
  
"We could throw it all over the hall and pretend Théoden spit it up."  
  
The guard was stolidly silent.  
  
"You know, you're kind of hot, for a stoned plot device." Tina mused. "If you had an IQ higher than a banana, I'd ask you if you wanted to go get some coffee."  
  
The guard replied ". . ."  
  
"Although I suppose you'd prefer ale."  
  
Nothing.  
  
"Anyway, the exorcism thing is really cool, "Tina finished up lamely. What she needed was a giant foam finger. You couldn't watch any sort of sporting event without a giant foam finger, even if the sport was Rohirric-ass kicking. It just wasn't done, as far as she was concerned.  
  
"His staff! I told you to take his staff!" Wormtongue shouted at the guards. Immediately they sprang into action, except for the guard next to Tina, who apparently had to keep guarding the doors.  
  
"Yay! This is the ass-kicking part," Tina informed the guard. The guard was wearing a plumed helmet. It wasn't a giant foam finger, but it'd do. Tina plucked the feather out and waved it in the air like a banner.   
  
"Woohoo! Go Gandalf! It's exorcisin' time!"  
  
The guard gave a halfhearted step, as if trying to decide whether he should be helping the other guards.  
  
"Don't bother." Tina suggested. "This is the best part."  
  
"I release you from this spell." Gandalf said to Théoden, who glared at him a moment and started laughing.  
  
"You have no power here," he chortled.  
  
"-Gandalf the Gray." Tina finished, mouthing the lines happily. This was so much cooler in person. "I will draw you, Saruman, as poison is drawn from a wound! Look, look, this is the shiny part!"  
  
Théoden fell back in his chair as Gandalf advanced upon him. The sense of power surrounding him was breathtaking.  
  
"-And if this were proper, Éowyn would be showing up right about now to - Hey!" Tina was explaining to the guard, completely ignoring the majesty that was Gandalf, when suddenly an invisible hand jerked her arm and began yanking her away from the Guard, to the end of the hall.  
  
"Awww, and we were getting along so well!" she whined, trying to shake off the invisible hand of the Author.  
  
-Alinagawathawen stepped foreward to help Gandalf.-  
  
"No, I'd rather watch, thank you." Tina grumbled.  
  
"Mary Sue, stay back!" Legolas cried.  
  
"Hey, I'm trying!" Tina snapped, pulling hard against the invisible force dragging her along.  
  
"If I go," Théoden growled in Saruman's voice, "Théoden dies!"  
  
-"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Alinagawathawen yelled . . .-  
  
"Oh that was CORNY!" Tina griped. "I refuse to say that even more than I refuse to say most stuff. I - STOP THAT!"  
  
-Alinagawathawen raised her hand and there was a blinding flash of light!-  
  
Real life coincided with the Author's voice. Tina's hand jerked up as if it were on a string and the Golden Hall was suddenly filled with light. Tina saw veins criscrossing her eyeballs before she had a chance to shut them - then the light was gone, and she fell back, unsupported by the Author any longer. Muttering obscenities, she stood up again and rubbed her arse.  
  
"What the hell?" she muttered.  
  
"Mary Sue?" Legolas asked, from a distance.  
  
Tina froze as the now young(er) Théoden stared at her.  
  
"I know your face," he murmured. "Mary Sue . . ."  
  
There was something on her hand. Something warm, and vibrating slightly. Tina raised it slowly, and stared at it.  
  
On the fourth finger of her left hand was a ring. A delicate, faintly glowing, silver ring.  
  
With a large, glittery pink heart dead center.  
  
"A ring of power?" Legolas marveled.  
  
"The fabled Lost Ring of Power," Gandalf declared. "Given long ago to an Elf King of a far-off land. I suspected that Mary Sue had it, the legendary Ring with the power to defeat Sauron's Ring . . ."  
  
Tina looked at the tacky accessory on her finger. There seemed to be writing in glitter glue around the band.  
  
She stared at it for a moment longer and very calmly said "Oh crap."  
  
---  
  
A/N: Muahaha, and the plot thickens!  
  
. . . well, not really.  
  
I promise I won't take so long on the next chapter. I really do.  
  
The review button is your friend!  
  
And . . . um . . . read Suedom too, please. 


	18. You're a Bad Woman, Tina Carson

AN: I'm just going to take a moment to lament that my video was not chosen to be in the top five in AOL's Return of the King Red Carpet VIP contest. Needless to say, I am disappointed, but have enjoyed the entries that did. If by some remote chance any of the five are reading this, then kudos. You're hilarious, all of you.  
  
The song Oedipus Rex belongs to and was written by Tom Lehrer. It's funny and disturbing.  
  
On another note, say good-bye to short, pointless chapters. I'm getting the TTT section of JCMMS done before December 17 if it kills me!  
  
. . . wait a minute, no I'm not! Put away those knives!  
  
Chapter 18  
  
You're a Bad Woman, Tina Carson  
  
"The Fabled Other One Ring," Gandalf was saying, his voice denoting Randomly Capitalized Words.  
  
"The Hell? A magic ring? I don't want a magic ring! Make it go away!" Tina griped.  
  
"You did not tell me you had a magic ring!" Legolas gasped, staring as if transfixed at the tacky piece of jewelry on Tina's finger.  
  
"Yeah, well, it's not like we're best buddies or anything -- GAH!" Tina gave a triumphant laugh as she yanked the offending piece of jewelry off her finger. Without pause she darted to the window and gave it a tremendous heave into the distance. Everyone in the Hall gasped as Tina waved cheerfully at the glint of the ring, sailing down the hill to land somewhere in the grass.  
  
"BYEEE, SPARKLEE SHINEE THINGY!" Tina squealed, then blinked. Through the exhaustion-induced haze surrounding her brain she was beginning to realize that she was beginning to act more like her sister than herself. That was pretty disturbing.  
  
"Mary Sue! What have you done?" Gandalf yelled.   
  
"Well first I pulled my arm back, then I moved it forward really fast and let go . . ." Tina explained.  
  
"What has possessed you to act so carelessly with your great treasure?" Gandalf persisted. "You must treat it with responsibility!"  
  
Tina blinked blearily at him. The nights of running were catching up to her. "Aren't you supposed to be chasing Wormtongue away or something?"  
  
"Hey, where is my son?" Théoden suddenly observed, and had to be led away to be given the bad news.  
  
"I need a nap." Tina commented.  
  
---  
  
The room they'd put her in was sizeable and spartan. There was a bed and a table or two. The bed was comfortable, with thick blankets, and there was a mirror over one of the tables on the other side of the room.  
  
And on the table . . .  
  
Was the ring!  
  
"AAAH!" Tina yelled, jumping away from it as if it were a highly venomous snake. "How'd you get here?!"  
  
The ring twinkled innocently (and tackily) at her from the table.  
  
"I bet you've got a friggin' homing device on you, don't you?" Tina growled at it.  
  
There was a knock on the door.  
  
"Go away!" Tina yelled, by way of greeting. The door opened and someone came in. Tina was too busy glaring at her ring to look up.  
  
"My lady I am sent to help get you ready for Thaodred's funeral, and King Thaoden has told me to ask if you will sing at the funeral." A woman's voice said. Tina gave her ring one last scowl.  
  
"Yeah, well you can tell him I said HOLY HELL YOU'RE ÉOWYN!" Tina yelled, falling off the side of the bed in surprise as she got a good look at the woman.  
  
Éowyn, whose eyes were misty and unfocused, cocked her head curiously to the side. "Who? I am but a humble serving-maid, my lady."  
  
"Like hell you are. You're the White Lady of Rohan, a Shieldmaiden, a daughter of Kings! Well, kings brothers, anyhow." Tina insisted, pulling herself back onto the bed. "And I thought you weren't in this story!"  
  
"Story?" Éowyn blinked. "I am sorry, I do not know any stories. I am only here to help you dress, and to arrange your hair . . ."  
  
"No, you're NOT." Tina said firmly. "You're here to help me get the hell out of here, got it? You're gonna snap back into character any moment now, right? Wait, you're probably going to be really mad and try and kill me or something, so if you do, please don't do that, alright?" she stood up, and the room spun. "Whoa. I'm too sleep-deprived for this. I need coffee." She said, sitting back down again.  
  
"My Lady?"  
  
"Your name is Éowyn. With a tilde over the E. Don't know why, but there is. Your father is Éomund, and your mother is Théodwyn. Théoden adopted you and your brother Éomer because your parents died. You're a Shieldmaiden and you're afraid of being trapped in Rohan doing woman's work all your life. You've got a crush on Aragorn. Remember any of that?"  
  
Éowyn stared at her. "I'm sorry, I don't know this Shieldmaiden of whom you speak . . . come, it is getting late and I must still arrange your hair -"  
  
"Oh come on! You ride into battle, you slay the Witch-King, you fall in love with Faramir, is any of this ringing a bell? Be in character, already!" Tina whined.  
  
And suddenly, Éowyn was.  
  
Her eyes widened and she reached for a sword that wasn't there. Her head whipped around as she took in her surroundings, paused to blink for a moment as if trying to remember where she was, then looked directly at Tina, suddenly stern and proud and fair, like a steel flower.  
  
"Who are you, and what are you doing in my bedroom?" she demanded of Tina.  
  
"Wow." Tina blinked. For once, omnificent Mary Sue powers had come in handy.   
  
"Answer me." Éowyn said, in a voice of deadly cold. She paused. "I think I have seen you before, but I can't remember . . ." she looked confused.  
  
"Must've met another blonde Mary Sue." Tina said. "They all look alike . . . thin, gorgeous, nice arses . . ."  
  
"I haven't the time for this. I shouldn't be here. Something is wrong." Éowyn said, looking around for the source of her discomfort. "Whoever you are, you had best answer me soon." She directed another fierce gaze at Tina.  
  
"I'm-" Tina started to say, but the door to the room suddenly swung open, and Théoden marched in.  
  
"Uncle!" Éowyn exclaimed, rushing to his side. "What is happening? Why-"  
  
"Mary Sue?" Théoden said. "Has this maid not yet prepared you for your step-brother's funeral?" He glared at Éowyn, who was taken aback. "You shall have to go as you are. Come!" he grabbed Tina's arm and began to drag her from the room, with Éowyn following closely behind.  
  
"Why can he not hear me?" She wondered anxiously as she ran along behind Tina, who was bent at an awkward position to alleviate the stress on her wrist. Théoden's grip was bending it in a way she was pretty sure nature had not intended wrists to bend.  
  
"Someone else is controlling him," she grunted, prying at his fist. "And everyone else. Everyone but you and me, actually."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well," Tina didn't really want to tell Éowyn that it was because she was a fictional character in a world that some people thought was fun to (inadvertently) manipulate. You just didn't tell people they weren't real. It wasn't nice. "Because they're really stupid." She finished lamely. "And want Elvish boyfriends."  
  
"This is familiar," Éowyn was musing. "This has happened before. I just can't remember where . . ."  
  
"It happens a lot, although this time you're being ignored." Tina volunteered, struggling to keep up with Théoden. Éowyn only glared at her.  
  
"I know you're part of the reason for all this." She said.  
  
"Hey, it's not my fault. I got -- WILL YOU FRICKIN' LET GO OF ME ALREADY? -- yanked into all this without my consent. I'd like for it to stop, too." Tina said. Éowyn and Théoden stared at her as she rubbed her wrist and looked expectantly back at them.   
  
"I'm Tina, by the way, and I'm extremely tired. It's affecting my mind." She said to Éowyn.  
  
Éowyn studied her for a moment, took in her bloodshot eyes and slumped position and decided that she was telling the truth in that aspect.  
  
"Where is he taking you?" she asked, gesturing to Théoden, who had started walking again. Éowyn and Tina were following him.  
  
"To Théodred's funeral," Tina said. "I-"  
  
"WHAT?!" Éowyn cried. "Théodred's WHAT?!" She was thunderstruck for a moment, but then her eyes began to loose a bit of their wild look, and her breathing began to return to normal.  
  
Tina felt a pang of remorse. Now Éowyn just looked terribly sad.  
  
"Yes, unfortunately, that is where I am supposed to be . . ." Éowyn murmured.  
  
"Er. Sorry." Tina said uncomfortably. "I thought you'd know."  
  
"I do now." Éowyn's brows were knitted in confusion. "I feel as though I am waking from a dream . . ."  
  
"Close enough. I'd try and explain better, but there seems to be a small elephant in my head throwing purple rice cakes at a picture of Don Knotz and screaming that if I don't go to sleep soon I'm going to suffer irreparable brain damage." Tina muttered. "It's distracting."  
  
Éowyn looked at her. "What?"  
  
"Sorry, that's the exhaustion speaking. If we work together, we can probably figure out a way to stop this," Tina whispered. "I want Rohan back to normal as much as you do."  
  
"I have no idea who you are, and I don't trust you." Éowyn retorted.  
  
"I made you stop acting like a maid and remember who you are, didn't I?" Tina pointed out.  
  
"Yes, you did," Éowyn said thoughtfully.  
  
"So at least hear me out."  
  
"All right. Later." Éowyn suggested, as they fell into place by Théodred's tomb. Tina shrugged. Fine with her.  
  
The funeral progressed. Éowyn bowed her head respectfully. Tina tried to do the same, but ended up falling over and snoring loudly instead. Éowyn looked at her reproachfully and turned back to watch Théoden's funeral procession. Her eyes filled with tears as she looked upon the body of her cousin once more, and as he passed her she opened her mouth to sing a dirge --  
  
"Mary Sue!" a voice hissed behind her, breaking her concentration. "Get up, Théoden wants you to sing!"  
  
Éowyn turned around to see Legolas prodding Tina's sleeping form. Tina gave a muffled yell and slapped ineffectually at the air in one of the areas that Legolas wasn't.  
  
"Get up, you have to sing for Théodred's funeral!" Legolas insisted, pulling Tina to her feet. "I know you grieve, but you must."  
  
"Oh" here Tina said an obscenity no one from Middle-earth understood. "I have to sing again?" she added another obscenity just for good measure, and began to yell something that could possibly have been set to music.  
  
"There once was a man named Oedipus Rex, you may have heard about his odd complex! His name appears in Freud's index 'cause he LOVED HIS MOTHER!"  
  
Éowyn's eyes widened and she stared at Tina in horror.  
  
"Oh yes he loved his mother like no other, his daughter was his sister and his son was his brother!" Tina continued. Éowyn's mouth dropped open in disgust. She looked to the men around her for similar reactions, but found nothing.   
  
"When he found out what he had done, he tore his eyes out one by one. What a tragic end to a loyal son who LOVED HIS MOTHER!" Tina finished with a giggle and plopped down again.  
  
"Ah ha! Ah ha! I can't breathe." She laughed. "I see pretty stars, all over. Flash, flash, flash."  
  
Éowyn seized Tina's arm roughly and pulled her up. She rubbed one of her temples as she dragged Tina through the Golden Hall. "I think you need my bed more than I do."  
  
"Ha ha! Look at me, I'm gonna sleep with Éowyn! Hey Legolas, I'm a lesbian! Better luck next time!"  
  
---  
  
About seventeen hours of sleep and half a pot of strong, black coffee later, Tina was back to her normal self (i.e. a grumpy, sarcastic bitch), and was positively mortified.  
  
"Oh my God. I sang Oedipus Rex at Théodred's funeral, didn't I?" she moaned to Éowyn as soon as she'd downed her coffee. Tina had found her in what she assumed was a kitchen, where Éowyn had been eating soup and looking pensive. "I am so sorry. I swear I never would have acted like that if I'd been in control of my brain at the time."  
  
"I'm sure that sleep did you good." Éowyn said, a little stiffly.  
  
"No, seriously." Tina persisted. "There's a time to mock, and the funeral of the cousin of the only person who's still sentient isn't it. I'm so sorry."  
  
"No one remembers but me." Éowyn said, blowing on her soup.  
  
"Don't care about them, the soppy bastards." Tina grumbled, taking another swig of coffee. "I wish they WOULD remember. I only make a fool of myself regularly so that all the men'll quit trying to get into my pants."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nevermind. Coffee?"  
  
Éowyn, unacquainted with the unfamiliar drink, and unsure as to how Tina had found any when she was sure they had never had any at Rohan before, took the proffered cup with some misgivings and sniffed it. She wrinkled her nose slightly, but, watching Tina quaffing deeply from her own cup, took a small sip, which she choked on.  
  
"You enjoy this . . . drink?" she gasped, setting the cup down firmly.  
  
"Well, I do brew it pretty strong." Tina admitted. "And normally, people put milk or sugar in it. Personally," she drained her cup. "I like it this way."  
  
"It appears to be eating away at the flagon." Éowyn observed. Tina lifted her cup curiously, and the bottom fell out, letting the liquid spill onto the table with a faint hiss.  
  
"Hmm. Yeah, a little stronger than usual today." Tina noted, and chucked the ex-cup over her shoulder. "So," she continued, "Bad impressions aside, do we have a partnership?"  
  
"Hmm?" Éowyn said through her soupspoon.  
  
"What I mean is, are you willing to work together with me to get me back home, and you your kingdom back?"  
  
Éowyn paused. "I do not know why, but I feel I have been through this before, or something like it. Yes, I am willing to work with you, bad impressions aside."  
  
"Good." Tina said, suddenly feeling hungry and helping herself to a bowl of soup as well.  
  
"But I don't trust you." Éowyn added casually.  
  
"That's okay." Tina amended. "I don't trust me either. I can't trust myself with my stuff at all. I always give it back covered in coffee stains."  
  
Éowyn blinked, had the feeling she'd had conversations like this before, shook her head, and went back to her soup, trying hard to ignore the way Tina had discarded her spoon and was drinking – no, slurping – her soup straight out of the bowl.  
  
A few minutes later, Tina gave a loud slurp of satisfaction and set down her empty soup dish. She leaned across the table to Éowyn in a conspiratorial manner and put her hands together.  
  
"All right." She said seriously. "What we need is a Really Cunning Plan . . ." 


	19. The Really Cunning Plan Goes Stupid

A/N: So . . . I lied. But hey, wasn't RotK grand?  
  
Er. Anyway, I'm terribly sorry about all the time I've been taking. I've been putting most of my energy into Suedom lately, which isn't really fair since the part I'm working on won't be shown to anyone until a lot more chapters have passed, while JCMMS is sadly overdue an update. But the thing is, I'd been puzzling over the plot and I came to the conclusion that I had no effing clue where I was going. So I had to take a moment to sit down (okay, so actually I took a moment to stand up and take a shower) and plan what came next. And I worked everything out - for the most part. So here's hoping that I'll be less negligent about updates, in the future!  
  
. . . and RotK really was wonderful, as far as I'm concerned. Especially all the bits with Sam and Frodo. That whole "end of all things" bit just made me sob like a baby. Actually, I cried quietly through most of the movie, and burst into tears when it was over. It was just that beautiful.  
  
Chapter 19  
  
The Really Cunning Plan Goes Stupid  
  
King Théoden, looking most woeful, quietly dropped a white flower on his son's grave.  
  
"Simbb . . . sooombel . . . soo," he said ponderously, fighting valiantly and failing miserably to not say the lines being forced upon him. "My sssoo - my adopted daughter has returned."  
  
Gandalf, helpless to stop himself, said, "Yes. Mary Sue has returned."  
  
Théoden nodded jerkily, as if his head were on a string. "I was so worried when she ran away, you know. But she is rebellious."  
  
"Yes, I did not expect any less since well you know who her father is," Gandalf said, silently crying out to the Valar for deliverance from this nightmare, or at least a comma every now and then.  
  
Théoden gave Gandalf a look that plainly said, "You're a bloody wizard, for Bema's sake, can't you do anything about this?" What came out of his mouth was, "I love her even more than I love my daughter Éowyn. She is so beautiful and smart and she carries the Ring of Goodness. I would let her be queen of Rohan, if she wastnt' . . ." the King struggled to pronounce the last word, spraying his son's grave with saliva.  
  
"Yes but maybe there is hope for her to be a queen yet and save Middle-earth," said Gandalf, who was still speaking through clenched teeth. "Have you told her who her father is yet?"  
  
"No I do no want to," said Théoden. "I wish I had been her father, for I love her enough to have been,"as he spoke, he brought his hands together, wringing an imaginary neck with his twitching fingers.  
  
"You should tell her," Gandalf advised.  
  
"I will," said Théoden, trudging stiffly back to Edoras, leaving his son's grave un-mourned.  
  
---  
  
"This is not a Really Cunning Plan," Éowyn said, staring down her nose at Tina. This was an especially impressive feat, considering that Tina-the-Mary-Sue was taller than Éowyn. (Regular sized Tina would have been used as a footstool by any of the Rohirrim who were currently standing around the armory and drooling over her.)  
  
"It's the best I could come up with in five minutes," Tina said defensively. "Are you going to help me with it or not?"  
  
"There is no circumstance in which this could be considered a Really Cunning Plan," Éowyn went on, firmly expressing her opinions on Tina's Plan to get the men of Rohan and the rest of the Canon characters to act like themselves again. "This is the absolute opposite of a Really Cunning Plan. This plan is so far from being Cunning that anyone with a true shred of cunning would never have thought of it."  
  
"Yeah, well according to Einstein it's coming back from the other side as brilliant," Tina said. "Come on, we're out where everyone can see us, now kick my ass!"  
  
"You said nothing about a donkey!" Éowyn objected, loosing her temper.   
  
"I meant beat me up, okay?" Tina explained. Badly.  
  
"All you told me to do was visibly defeat you in a sword fight. I was not told that I would have to abuse an animal in the process."  
  
"Look, there's no donkey!" Tina yelled. "Just make it look like I'm a real weakling, and maybe everyone will realize that I am, and that'll snap them out of it."  
  
Éowyn gestured to the crowd of admirers who had gathered to drool at Tina. "I have a feeling that if any of these men see me hurting you, it will go over a lot worse for me than you anticipate. In the interest of self-preservation, I refuse to attack you."  
  
"Oh please?" Tina begged. "Look, I've got the sword, and I'm terrible with it," She hefted the weapon, and promptly dropped it. "I won't be hard to beat at all, I promise. I've never even held a sword before this."  
  
Éowyn paused, watching Tina struggle to keep the heavy, well-sharpened blade aloft. "You have never handled a sword?" she asked, her eyes now carefully trained on the weapon.  
  
"Well not to brag or anything, but I do wield a pretty mean bread knife. Of course not!" Tina snapped. "I'm a coddled, protected, suburban middle-class child who's never been around anything more dangerous than a meat cleaver."  
  
"Give me the sword," Éowyn said firmly.  
  
"But-"  
  
"NOW."  
  
Tina sullenly handed the sword over. You didn't protest when Éowyn used her "I'm a Shieldmaiden, and I can kick your ass, as long as it doesn't involve cruelty towards vaguely horse-shaped animals" voice.  
  
Someone tapped Tina on the shoulder. She turned around and redirected her glare at the man, who was drooling slightly.  
  
"King Théoden requests your presence, lady," he said. "He wishes to discuss a matter of great importance with you."  
  
Tina looked disgusted. "Well you can tell the king I said-"  
  
Sensing danger, Éowyn slapped her hand firmly over Tina's mouth. "Do not insult the King," she hissed in Tina's ear. In reply, Tina stuck out her tongue and licked Éowyn's palm. Éowyn pulled her hand away, looking with disgust at Tina, who pulled her tongue back in quickly just in case Éowyn got ideas involving a swift blow to her chin.  
  
"Sure," she said, shivering a little at Éowyn's furious glare and turning to the man. "I'll be right up."  
  
She turned to say something to Éowyn, but the Shieldmaiden was sparring with an invisible opponent, her blade whirring and flashing and her face cold and set. Tina's words died on her lips, and she stepped back. Oh dear. She'd pissed off Éowyn. And while Tina was used to being given the cold shoulder by people she annoyed with her terrible manners, the woman who'd slain the Witch-King was someone you did not want to be angry with you . . .  
  
Not to mention that she had no idea where Éowyn's hands had been! With a wave of horror, Tina wondered how often the Rohirrim washed their hands and realized that it couldn't be very often at all. She began frantically spitting as she walked to the King's hall.  
  
Théoden looked up as Tina entered, wiping her tongue on her sleeve. He waited patiently as she appeared to finish licking herself.  
  
"Whaddaya want?" Tina asked, wiping at her wet sleeve with the other hand. "Sir?" she added belatedly, figuring that if she was going to start being respectful to the King, she might as well do so even when Éowyn wasn't around to decapitate her.  
  
The King, sitting on his throne, gestured for her to come closer. Tina took a step. He gestured again. Tina took another step. This went on until Tina was directly in front of Théoden, who said "Sit down," and commenced to look sad and weary. Tina sat cross-legged on the floor in front of him, which wasn't what he'd meant for her to do. But after gesturing about seventeen times in a row for her to come closer, Théoden didn't feel like putting the energy into the gesture that would command her to sit in the chair next to him. So he began to speak, instead.  
  
"Mary Sue, you . . . never knew your father, did you?" he asked.  
  
"Oh yes I do. His name is Phillip Carson, he's forty-two, he's a journalist, his favorite food is macaroni and cheese with onions, he eats toast with mayonnaise for breakfast, and he let my sister and me play with his hair up until two years ago when he noticed he was going bald," Tina said. Théoden, completely unfazed, barreled on.  
  
"Your mother was trying to protect you, when she entrusted you to my care. She knew that her daughter would be in grave danger all the time, so she sent you here to keep you safe with the Rohan court-"  
  
"No offense meant, sir, but that's bullshit," Tina said sharply. Her purist ire was rising. "If Galadriel had a daughter who was still young enough to be in her care during the War of the Ring, there would be no safer place for her than Lothlórien. Imladris, possibly, but not Rohan. You're cool and all, but you can't compete with Galadriel and Elrond in terms of power."  
  
To Tina's surprise, Théoden burst into tears.  
  
"I've done my best to make you happy, Mary Sue, but I guess it wasn't enough. You always wanted more than Rohan, didn't you? When you ran away I was so sad . . ."  
  
"Look, you sound like my whiny sister! Get a hold of yourself!" Tina said, positively aghast at the pitiful, sobbing man who had taken Théoden's appearance. "Why don't you just start breathing heavily and say 'Mary Sue . . . .I am your father!' so that I can yell and get it over with?"  
  
Théoden knitted his brows in confusion. "But Mary Sue, I am not your father!"  
  
There was a brief, embarrassed pause. "Oh," Tina blinked. "Well . . . good!" she added, rather lamely.  
  
"But I know who is," the King went on, and Tina began to get a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. This time she didn't think it had anything to do with the soup. "And it is time you knew."  
  
"I don't think I want to," Tina said grimly.  
  
"Mary Sue," Théoden said dramatically. "You are the daughter of Galadriel and Isildur, and you are heir to the Throne of Gondor!"  
  
---  
  
A/N: Ahaha. Shock-that-isn't!   
  
I liked this chapter. What do you think, have I no taste, or what? The review button is your friend!  
  
The "according to Einstein" joke was blatantly yoinked from the description of Rincewind in most Discworld books and tweaked to fit. 


End file.
